Peggy Hilt talks to Newsweek.

To bring you up to speed...in my world, Peggy Sue Hilt is THE REASON we are not able to bring Anya home. She is the whack job who killed her child that was adopted from Irkutsk. When she was being sentenced, I called the Judge's office who was sentencing her, spoke to the media - did everything I could think of to make sure everyone knew that her actions didn't just effect the life of that poor little girl.

Well, in this piece from Newsweek, it seems to paint Peggy in a 'poor peggy' light. UGH! That just makes me so mad I can't see straight! In my world, NO CHILD DESERVES TO BE KILLED - ESPECIALLY AT THE HAND OF THEIR PARENTS! The load of crap that Peggy says here that she didn't know there were resources available to her - NOT! She was a member of several of the chat boards I am a member of - so she knows how to use the Internet. There are so many resources out there, it's stupid.

Bottom line, Newsweek shouldn't give 5-minutes of fame to a mental whack job who killed her child. Period. It does nothing to help anyone.


When Adoption Goes Wrong

Most Americans who adopt children from other countries find joy. But others aren't prepared for the risks—and may find themselves overwhelmed.
By Pat Wingert
NEWSWEEK
Updated: 3:16 PM ET Dec 8, 2007

Peggy Hilt wanted to be a good mother. But day after day, she got out of bed feeling like a failure. No matter what she tried, she couldn't connect with Nina, the 2-year old girl she'd adopted from Russia as an infant. The preschooler pulled away whenever Hilt tried to hug or kiss her. Nina was physically aggressive with her 4-year-old sister, who had been adopted from Ukraine, and had violent tantrums. Whenever Hilt wasn't watching, she destroyed the family's furniture and possessions. "Every day with Nina had become a struggle," she recalls now.

As the girl grew older, things got worse. Hilt fell into a deep depression. She started drinking heavily, something she'd never done before. Ashamed, she hid her problem from everyone, including her husband.

On the morning of July 1, 2005, Hilt was packing for a family vacation, all the while downing one beer after another and growing increasingly aggravated and impatient with Nina's antics. "Everything she did just got to me," Hilt said. When Hilt caught her reaching into her diaper and smearing feces on the walls and furniture, "a year and a half of frustration came to a head," Hilt says. "I snapped. I felt this uncontrollable rage."

Then Hilt did something unthinkable. She grabbed Nina around the neck, shook her and then dropped her to the floor, where she kicked her repeatedly before dragging her up to her room, punching her as they went. "I had never hit a child before," she says. "I felt horrible and promised myself that this would never happen again." But it was too late for that. Nina woke up with a fever, and then started vomiting. The next day she stopped breathing. By the time the ambulance got the child to the hospital, she was dead.

Hilt is now serving a 19-year sentence for second-degree murder in a Virginia maximum-security prison. She and her husband divorced, and he is raising their other daughter. She realizes the horror of her crime and says she isn't looking for sympathy. "There is no punishment severe enough for what I did," she told NEWSWEEK in an interview at the prison.

Hilt's story is awful—and rare—but sadly it is not unique. Adopting a child from another country is usually a positive, enriching experience for both the child and the parent. Over the last 20 years, foreign adoption has become more popular, and Americans now adopt about 20,000 children from Guatemala, China, Russia and other nations each year. (In the last few years, as restrictions and red tape have increased in some countries, the number of overseas adoptions has begun to drop.) Longitudinal studies show that most of these kids do quite well, but in a small but significant number of cases, things go very badly. Since the early 1990s, the deaths of 14 Russian children killed by their adoptive parents have been documented. (That disclosure was partly responsible for Russia's decision in 2006 to suspend its intercountry adoption program while it underwent review.)

Cases like those are extreme, but clinicians who specialize in treating foreign orphans say they are seeing more parents who are overwhelmed by their adopted children's unexpected emotional and behavioral problems. And though reputable agencies try to warn parents of the risks, not all succeed. "In the past, agencies were a bit naive," says Chuck Johnson of the National Council For Adoption, which is responding to the problem with a massive education initiative. "Now we're urging them to give parents a more realistic message." Some parents struggle to find effective treatment for their kids. Others seek to give them up. Reports that a growing number of foreign adoptees were being turned over to the U.S. foster-care system recently prompted the Department of Health and Human Services to order its first national count: 81 children adopted overseas were relinquished to officials in 14 states in 2006.

Why do some adoptions go so wrong? Clearly, it's not the kids' fault. Their behavior is usually the result of trauma, mistreatment, malnutrition or institutionalization in their home countries—problems more common in places like Eastern Europe. But "the country of origin doesn't matter so much as the child's experience," says Dr. Dana Johnson, director of the University of Minnesota's International Adoption Clinic. Some are found to suffer from fetal alcohol syndrome, mental illness or reactive attachment disorder, an inability to bond with a parent. Prospective families undergo an arduous screening process, including home visits, and specify how much disability they can handle. But even families who specifically request a "healthy" child sometimes go home with a troubled one. In some cases, the mismatch is inadvertent. But in others, orphanages or adoption agencies overseas—eager to find homes for difficult children in their care—mislead prospective parents or fail to disclose the full extent of a child's problems or personal history.

Emotional and even physical problems can be difficult to detect at the time of adoption, especially in infants, and often aren't diagnosed until months or years later. Hilt says that's what happened to her. She and her husband decided to adopt after being told she'd probably never conceive. After passing their agency's screening, they brought home their first daughter from Ukraine in 2001, and that went so well they decided to adopt two Russian sisters. But when they flew to Siberia to meet them in May 2003, they were told the sisters were no longer available. Instead, they were told, they could adopt Tatiana, a lively 18-month-old, and Nina, a quiet, withdrawn 9-month-old. They visited Tatiana every day for a week, but officials never let them see Nina again. "They said she had a bad cold," Hilt said. Nonetheless, they signed adoption papers for both girls. But when they returned to finalize the adoption in January 2004, they were told that only Nina was still available. The Hilts hesitated. They suspected a bait-and-switch, especially when officials insisted they sign papers testifying they'd spent many more hours with the baby than they had. "The whole process didn't feel right," Hilt said. "But we figured we could love any child. You convince yourself that everything will turn out OK."

But from the start, Nina "literally pushed me away," Hilt said. Over time, Hilt found herself resenting the little girl. "We'd been such a happy family, and then Nina came and everything changed," Hilt says. "I began to realize that we had made such a big mistake." (Tatyana Kharchendo, the doctor in charge of the Little Sun Child Home #1 in Irkutsk, where the Hilts adopted Nina, did not directly answer Hilt's charges, but insisted the child "was absolutely healthy and beautiful.")

No one is exonerating Hilt or others like her. But Joyce Sterkel, who runs the Ranch for Kids, a Montana boarding school for disturbed international adoptees, says she's come to see the parents as well as the kids as victims in these tragic cases. "It's a horrible thing, but I understand how some people end up killing these kids," she says. "They have no empathy, no affection, no love. My heart goes out to these parents because they don't know what to do."

When Sterkel, a nurse, first started working with international adoptees in the early '90s, she didn't see many deeply troubled children. But 10 years ago she adopted two Russian boys whose American parents had given up on them. One of them, a 14-year-old boy, had just been released from a juvenile-detention center after trying to poison his mother. Over time, Sterkel was approached so often about adopting other children that she decided to open her camp. Today it houses 25 to 30 kids from all over the country, and has a waiting list. The overwhelming majority are from Russia, Romania and Bulgaria, but she also has had children from South Korea and Colombia. Some were bullied or raped while institutionalized or were the children of prostitutes, drug addicts or alcoholics. "I have gotten calls from parents who say the child they adopted has killed the family dog, threatened to kill them, and no one will help them," she says.

Emotional, behavioral and physical problems are not unique to adopted children. Biological children can have the same range of issues. But adoptive parents often assume they know what they're getting into because they get the chance to meet their child in advance. That was the case when Kimble and Shellie Elmore of Los Angeles met a 10-year-old Russian child named Tania in 2005. The director of the orphanage proudly described her as an "angel."

But as soon as they took custody of their new daughter, her behavior changed dramatically. "She was completely out of control," Kimble says. Tania would scream for hours at a time, then fall into deep sullen silence. After signing Tania over to the Elmores, the Russian court handed them her file. They were stunned to find that she had a history of violence and had been transferred from one orphanage to another. They called their adoption agency back home, but were mistakenly told that there was nothing that could be done, that Tania was now their legal daughter. (The American Embassy could have helped, if they'd known.) Seeing no alternative, they boarded a plane and brought Tania back to California. By the end of the first week, she was admitted to a hospital psychiatric unit. She came home a few days later, but things grew worse. She tried to stab her father with a spike and attacked a police officer who came to the house in response to a 911 call.

Doctors diagnosed Tania with bipolar disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder and attachment disorder, and suggested she be sent to Sterkel's camp. In the past year the Elmores have exhausted their savings and retirement funds trying to pay for private residential treatment. "We know she's just a child and we want what's best for her," says Kimble. "But we don't know how to help her. Adoption is supposed to be a touchy-feely thing surrounded with the glow of new parenthood. But no one says, 'What if the worst happens?' "

Psychologist Karyn Purvis of Texas Christian University, who has done extensive research on troubled adopted children, says many of these kids simply don't respond to stern lectures and timeouts. Lab workups of her patients often reveal extremely high levels of cortisol, the stress hormone. "The children, for the most part, were in safe homes living with safe people," Purvis says, "but those cortisol levels told us that their children did not feel safe with them, even if they'd been living safely with them for years." Children like them are almost constantly in a hypervigilant state, she says. They don't let their guard down long enough to forge affectionate relationships.

Over the past several years Purvis has developed new methods to restore a sense of security and trust to traumatized kids. If a child becomes violent, for instance, Purvis often responds with a "basket hold." She cradles the kids firmly but gently in her lap, facing outward, with their arms crossed in front of their chests. She rocks and quietly soothes until they calm down, then asks them to look her in the eye and tell her what they want. Purvis's assistants have taken to calling her the "Child Whisperer."

Sometimes techniques like these result in dramatic turnarounds. The family of a 5-year-old adopted from Russia thought they had no choice but to seek psychiatric hospitalization after she threw her baby sister down the stairs. But after the parents adopted Purvis's methods, the little girl finally started talking about the serious abuse she'd experienced. The child's behavior changed markedly. But her mother "changed even more," Purvis says, "because now she has hope."

Purvis is quick to say that her techniques don't work with every child, and older kids can take much longer than younger ones. "They have to unlearn what they've learned," she said. The next step, she says, is for prospective adoptive parents to get more training before and after they adopt. "Very few agencies are training parents to deal with brain damage, sensory deprivation, aggression," Purvis says. "A lot of these parents are smitten with the hope that they'll make a difference in a child's life, but they need very practical tools. I consider myself very pro-adoption. But I'm also very pro informed adoption. "

Peggy Hilt wishes she'd heard this message years ago. "If I knew then what I know now," she says, "I would have gotten help for Nina and for me." The best she can hope for now, she says, is that her story will prompt others to seek that help before it's too late.
URL: http://www.newsweek.com/id/74385
© Newsweek Mag

Blog Tagging

I have a friend, Brenda, with a great Blog. She "tags" people all the time on her blog to post facts, play games, post jokes etc...she always seems to tag me! Or maybe she knows more than one Kathy - and I am just being narcissistic?

Anyway, the latest tag is 8 random facts. Since there are so many people who read this who don't really know me - I thought this might be a fun one.

1. I've had 5 last names in my life...but have only been married one other time.

2. The shoe/clothes thing isn't new, I have seriously ALWAYS been this way.

3. My grandpa probably had the biggest impact on my life.

4. I am scared of ducks (long story...goes back to a bad date in college)

5. I like to be silly - and am uncomfortable being too serious

6. I started dating my wonderful husband before I was 30 (ya, I was a kid!)- and didn't know how old he was until we had dated for over a month.

7. My biggest pet peeve is not being understood

8. Anya's name is a family name...my middle name is Ann (i.e. Russian Anna - Anya) - Anna is also Marty's grandmother's name...Anya's middle name is Helene...or Helen. Helen is the name of my grandmother, and of the director (or the Children's Home where she is) who is protecting her.


The deal with tagging is that I post this on my blog...and then tag people to post this on their blogs. Well - I know all of you out there well enough to know that you won't...so, I will tag whoever reads this, and is brave enough to post a comment to this thread!

Document Update

We heard from Russia today. Apparently our lawyer has had an emergency in her family, so was out of the office all of last week. She presented our documents, and of course, the Judge rejected them with technical issues (again).

Our appeal to the Supreme Court is being prepared now.

On one hand, I am excited. On the other hand, I am sick to my stomach. This elevates our case significantly - and will bring a lot of attention to our case (more than we already have). But, we're ready for it!

last word on prayer vigil

Here is a list of everyone we want to thank for praying with us today.


Kathy’s Mom – Fran
The Prayer Team at First Presbyterian Church in South Bend, IN
Vicki Matafin
Mark Potterbaum – 12-1pm EST praying and fasting
Gene Stowe – and men’s prayer group (up to 3,500 men nation wide will be praying for us later afternoon / early evening)
Gene Ort and family
Cindy Nicula and family
Wes Smith (on the plane on his way to Israel!)
Cindy Postma
Vicki Young
Young Family
Jackie Clindaniel
Vanessa Smith
Jen from FRUA
Miriam Friend (Marty’s Mom)
VMom from FRUA
Michelle Wegner
Trish Linner
The 2nd grade class at St. Andrew’s school
Lori Rockwell and family
Cindi Hajicek
YAHOO Group
Kathy and Marty
Judy
Lynn M.
Brenda
Mclsch
Miriam Navarro
Joyce
Wanda
Amy M.
Miriam
Patricia
Lupita
Jill Mulger
Janett Stewart

shared prayer

Someone from my Yahoo group posted this prayer - it brought me to tears, so I thought I would share it.

May you be blessed as you spend time with the Father. I pray He reveals to you His Heart by His Holy Spirit. I pray against the enemy who would have you fear or doubt. All you need is the Faith of the grain of a mustard seed and, He will move mountains. I do not know what the mountains are. I do come against the wickedness and evil in high places that would keep a child from a loving parent. I pray you protect them and as these women intercede on their behalf, I pray strength for them, I pray peace, I pray that they will feel your presence Jesus. And just as Moses was able to part the Red Sea I pray that the REd tape of the Russian Government will be parted and the people will be able to claim their children and their promise land. We ask all of this so that you may be glorified. We understand Lord that it is your power and will that makes all things possible and so we submit this into your hands Hear the prayers of your people Lord. We praise you for your mighty works!!! In His most precious name we pray the name of JESUS! THank you Father for hearing my prayer your humble servant.

what gets me about Russia

I know - I am a glutton for punishment. I was surfing You Tube tonight looking at some of the videos people have posted about their adoption stories. It doesn't matter where the video was taken - all of Russia looks the same!

Conversely, here at home, Bristol doesn't look like South Bend...and Northern Indiana SURE doesn't look like Florida!

Prayer Vigil update

Here is who we have praying so far. As we add to the list, this information will be updated:

Prayer Vigil
Tuesday November 13 - 2007

Kathy and Marty
Kathy’s Mom – Fran
The Prayer Team at First Presbyterian Church in South Bend, IN
Vicki Matafin
Mark Potterbaum – 12-1pm EST praying and fasting
Gene Stowe – and men’s prayer group (up to 3,500 men nation wide will be praying for us later afternoon / early evening)
Gene Ort and family
Cindy Nicula and family
Wes Smith (on the plane on his way to Israel!)
Cindy Postma
Vicki Young

YAHOO Group
Will be praying from 8am – noon EST
Kathy and Marty
Judy
Judy’s Women’s Prayer Group
Lynn M.
Brenda
Mclsch
Miriam Navarro
Joyce

PRAYER VIGIL TUESDAY NOV. 13

Hello Everyone,

Several people have suggested to me over the past few weeks, to have a dedicated time for a 24 hour prayer vigil. On FRUA, some members did this last week, and the outcome was amazing - but then, isn't the outcome of prayer always amazing?!?!?

I was so busy last week, I completely missed the prompting on FRUA. I feel like I am hearing God's gentle prompting become a loud roar - and I am going to respond!

There are a lot of things happening in Irkutsk, and with adoptions in Russia. Now is the time to pray!

A 24 prayer vigil will be on Tuesday the 13th. I've never organized anything like this - so if you have, I'd love some input on how to organize this effort.

1) The Orphans in Russia and around the world
2) The Families waiting to welcome a child into tier lives

3) The officials in Russia with the power to sign accreditation paperwork for adoption agencies - and the Judges who hear adoption cases. This includes the US Embassy who is working diligently to help our cases.

4) The Orphans birth parents / families

5) The caregivers of the orphans

6) anything else that comes to mind as you pray


If you are with us on this time of prayer, please reply to this thread...

-Kathy & Marty

Bananna Hands

OK, I know my sense of humor is a little off sometimes - but when I get in a bad mood - I always watch this - and it TOTALLY cracks me up. Thanks Leah for sharing this hilarity! It's just so stupid, you have to laugh at it! ...especially if you've ever been to Germany and noticed how the people there communicate. Or - if you've ever been to parts of Europe - and seen the music videos - this is EXACTLY the kind os sillyness we've seen on Russian TV - but it was in Russian.

My Hands Are Bananas

Add to My Profile | More Videos

New Hair

One of the reasons we went to Chicago was because I had an appointment with Mario Tricoci. http://www.tricoci.com/

You can see my hair before in the photos to the right from when we were in Russia in September. With my new TV gig, I don't want to be wearing my hair in a pony tail all the time - it just looks ridiculous on camera. So - a super duper cut was in order. It looked so good when the stylist (Jasmine) was done - now if I can figure out how to to that - we'll be all set!

weekend away

We took a few days out this week to go to Chicago. I had to go on a buying trip, and decided to bring Marty along for a change of scenery. We were fortunate enough to stay at a condo right on Lake Shore Drive - a few blocks off of the Magnificient Mile - right on the water. I think this real eatate has to be some of the most expensive in Chicago!

The views were amazing. 2 walls of the condo were windows overlooking the lake.

Another conversation with the Embassy

Mark from the Embassy called again this morning. I had emailed him to ask if his office could authenticate our documents to get over the apostille issue. Mark spoke with Marty - seems like they were on the phone for a long time!

His office will provide a letter for us to authenticate our apostilles (yay)! I guess they did this in another region, and it was exactly what the judge wanted. He also reiterated to us that the Embassy is behind us 100%, and are brainstorming ideas every day on ways to help us. Not sure if I believe that 100%, but it was nice to hear. He had a good point...he said in Russia, it's not just knowing the law - but knowing the attitude around the law. In the US, the law is the law - regardless of the attitude. The attitude is what we're trying to figure out - and once we crack the code - we (and others) will know what the Judge wants.

Mark also said that one of the left over attitudes from Communist Russia is the notion that someone is always watching. This 'fear' is especially prevalent in older Russian people. Because of this fear, they are more likely to say no than yes...even to simple things. You can't get in trouble for saying no - at least, that is the attitude.

So - it all goes back to attitude.

I corresponded with our lawyer today, and reiterated that if the Judge does not provide a court date for us this week, we will take our case above her head. Step-1 will be to appeal her decision to the Chief Judge. Step-2 is to appeal her decision to the Human Rights Board.

Thank you for continuing to pray for us. We're heading to Chicago on a buying trip this week - it will be nice to have a change of scenery and relax a little bit.

Adoption Update Oct. 31

October is finally over!...



Most of you know that after our revised documents got to Irkutsk the end of September, the Judge decided to take the month of October off. I know - I can hear all of you saying in unison - "ARE YOU KIDDING ME" - unfortunately, no, I'm not.

Well, Judge Stepanova is scheduled to come back on Monday, November 5. Our lawyer is primed, and is going to be waiting on her doorstep.

So once again, we're asking for prayer and a miracle!


KEEP UP TO DATE
weekly and sometimes daily updates and thoughts on this blog.

We are keeping everyone up to date with everything from political junk in Russia, rumors, real updates, random thoughts and so on on our blog. All of the posts are organized - so it is easy for you to see. We would also like to invite you to reply to any post! We would love to hear from you!
THANK YOU!

Thank you for being on this journey with us!

Love,
Marty and Kathy

Lurkers

It's crazy to think that this blog has had SO MANY people visit it - but no one is posting any comments! I know you're out there! Post something! All you need to do is click the "0 Comments" below each post.

the bigger meaning of things

So - for the past few weeks, I seem to be pushed - tested. First, it was with a woman who was part of a project I did with a friend a few weeks ago (I blogged about in the post that refers to the song "East / West"). I am/was grateful she is out of my life - however, she is still causing storms with several of my friends. It's sad when a business relationship causes such chaos in people's personal lives!

Well, then there was the mail man. Long story short - there is a guy at the Bristol post office who takes his job a little too seriously. He has all these "rules" he never tells anyone - but expects you to abide by. I almost went postal on him (no pun intended) - I got so mad, I had to hand the phone over to my hubby!!

Of course, there was the whole situation with the Embassy that ruffled my feathers.

Now there is a client of my husbands...the client has an employee who is incompetent...so instead of listening - he is always thinking of the next thing to say to cover his butt. In the business of advertising, that is a bad deal. He is one of those people who start every comment by saying "with all due respect, ma'am...." and all I hear is "I'm covering my butt right now and bla blaing on and on to buy time until I can come up with something to say"

My blood pressure must be sky high. I really feel like I am going to completely lose my temper - like I am being pushed and pushed and pushed - to see how much I will take before I go completely ape on someone. That's right - I said ape!

Then I wonder...why?

What am I supposed to be learning? What is the bigger picture? Am I being tested because this is how the judge is going to treat me - and I need to get comfortable with biting my tongue?

I just don't get it.

Tornado hits Nappannee

A Tornado touched down Thursday in a small town called Nappanee - this is very close to our house. Thursday night, we were on our way to Lowe's, and the radio weather guy came on and said, "dangerous storm system heading East...towns in the path of the storm are Goshen, Dunlap, Bristol" Well, we were in Dunlap, heading to Goshn from Bristol. Anyone who knows me at all knows I DO NOT like storms!

After eating dinner, and thinking that all the rhetoric on the radio and TV about the storms was a scare tactic...we learned about what was happening a little south of us.

I saw some photos today of the destruction on another blog...

Derry Prenkert: Tornado Touch Down in Nappanee

on traveling to Russia

This is a Fodor's travel reporter on a trip to Russia. Pretty accurate from what I read.
http://www.fodors.com/forums/threadselect.jsp?fid=2&tid=35068558

more bla bla from Embassy

We FINALLY got a note from MArk Seibel - the man from the Embassy who I spoke with. Here is what he said:

Dear Mrs. Friend:

The Consul General's letter regarding his trip to Irkutsk was intended to provide an overview and general assessment of the trip for all of the families with pending adoption cases in the region. I do want to assure you that information about the specific problems you have encountered was provided to the regional court, as well as the Prosecutor’s and the human rights offices for the Irkutsk region. This includes the problems you noted regarding apostilles and medical examination requirements. We also specifically underscored the problem of allowing independent adoptions in our follow-up correspondence to the court, and pointed out that the regional court's position on this issue differs from that of judges in other regions in the Russian Federation.


In your case, we understand that there is no need for you to request refusal documentation from the court, as your attorney already has correspondence from the court. While I cannot give legal advise, I would offer a couple of ideas based on the advice given to the Consul General by the Prosecutor’s office and the regional human rights representative. You could run these ideas by your attorney to see if she thinks they are worth pursuing. As noted in the Consul General's letter, the chairman of the court said that all persons have a right to appeal to him if their dossier is rejected for any reason. In your case, the judge seems to be stalling you with perpetual demands for additional documentation, which constitute at least an interim rejection of your dossier. It seems to me that your attorney might be able to appeal that decision to the chairman of the court. I would be happy to provide you with a document from the Hague working group on apostilles that may help make the case that the judge's rejection of those documents was not proper (the same document we provided under cover of our diplomatic note). If the chairman of the court were to reject an appeal, you would at that point have the right to bring the matter up as a complaint to the human rights office in Irkutsk or to the office of the Ombudsman for Human Rights in Moscow. Such a course of action could raise the profile of your case and bring the judge's actions under the scrutiny of others. We would also be happy to speak to your attorney if she wishes to call us, or to correspond with her, to explore ways in which we might be of assistance.

Best regards,

Mark Seibel

So - what does this mean? Your guesses are as good as mine! I'm open to intrepertation!

Well - we FINALLY heard from the Embassy. Below is the letter that we got via email today. Apparently it was also mailed - but because I've been trying to get in touch with them every day for a week...I am sure they decided emailing it to me would shut me up.

Let me say that I am HIGHLY disappointed with the Embassy. This letter is clearly a form letter, and doesn't address ANY of the specific issues about our case that was to be brought up in Irkutsk.

bottom line...talking with, sharing information with, and putting ANY hope in the Embassy helping was a colossal waste of time.

______________________________





Embassy of the United States of America Moscow, Russia
October 15, 2007


Mr. and Mrs. Friend
55754 County Road 19
Bristol, IN 46507

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Friend:

I write to thank you for providing us with information about the difficulties you have encountered in attempting to adopt in the Irkutsk region, and to update you on our efforts to resolve the ongoing impasse there.

I traveled to Irkutsk last week and met with senior members of the Governor’s office, the Chairman of the Irkutsk Regional Court, the regional human rights office, the General Prosecutor, officials in the Ministry of Education, and adoption facilitators serving American families in Irkutsk.

I was encouraged by the fact that the Governor’s staff, the chairman of the court, and others were willing to meet with me to discuss your problems. I presented the chairman of the court, the prosecutor’s office, and the human rights representative with case summaries based on the information that you provided, and asked that they review your case. My exchanges with these officials underscored the fact that there remains deep skepticism on the part of local authorities and the general public in Irkutsk toward international adoptions, notwithstanding official Russian government support for adoptions. Progress on this issue is likely to be slow at best.

That said, the chairman of the regional court in Irkutsk affirmed to me that whenever a judge rejects an adoption dossier before the court, the judge is obliged to provide a written notice of the denial, including the legal reasons for denial. He also affirmed that any person whose case is denied has the right to appeal the decision to the chairman of the regional court. You or your representative have the right to demand such a written notification if the court has rejected your dossier. This document would be an important part of any appeal you or your representative may file with the chairman of the court.

If you have a copy of a notice of rejection from the court, or can obtain one from your representative, I would encourage you to send a copy to the Embassy (unless you have already done so). This information will be helpful to me and my staff as we follow up with the authorities in Irkutsk, which we were encouraged to do.

I also met recently with a senior Ministry of Education official in Moscow to urge expeditious consideration of pending applications for accreditation. As you know, the absence of accreditation for most of the adoption service providers operating in Irkutsk is an ongoing roadblock, as these providers are unable to do business with the regional court. The Ministry of Education indicated that several more adoption agencies may be re-accredited in the near future. I am hopeful that progress in this area will remove a major obstacle for many of the pending adoptions in Irkutsk.

Although the situation in Irkutsk remains difficult, we will continue to work with local and federal authorities on your behalf and on behalf of the many young Russian orphans who deserve better.

Please accept my best wishes.





Sincerely,



Kurt Amend
Consul General

laundry

Well, today we've been home a month...1 month ago, I was having the WORST travel experience of my life!

Today - I FINALLY got caught up on laundry! I'm not kidding - it was OUT OF CONTROL! I feel like we've been going a million miles an hour since our plane touched down in South Bend. I finally had a few days off to catch my breath - so I did laundry. Oh ya, and cleaned my office (it was bad!)

So tomorrow, I can hit the ground running again - while we wait to hear something from Irkutsk (or Moscow!)! Currently, it is 8:10am in Moscow, and 1:10pm in Irkutsk...ya, I am staying up late 'just in case'!

updates

Many of you have been emailing me wondering if we've heard anything about the meeting(s) in Irkutsk. We've heard nothing. Which isn't uncommon. Anytime there is a meeting, it takes days for us to hear anything. I promise, as soon as I know anything, I will post it here.

East from West

The past 8-10 days have been yuck for me and one of my close friends. It is all wrapped up in a work project. One thing that I've learned through the adoption process is to sit back and wait to react...not something I've been known for in the business world prior to a few years ago. I was very reactive, and took everything personally. With the garbage surrounding this recent project, I felt myself going back to that reactive way...at one point, I was ready to get on the phone and tell 'so-and-so' exactly what I thought! Probaby not the best idea...I got in my car, and this song came on. It's one I hear all the time - but really spoke to me this week - for MANY MANY reasons...so I thought I would share it.

Casting Crowns
East To West

Here I am Lord,
and I'm drowning
in your sea of forgetfulness
the chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I dont want to end up where you found me
and it echoes in my mind,
keeps me awake tonight

I know you cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
and I stand before you now,
as if I've never sinned
but today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
from you leaving me this way

and Jesus can you show me
just how far the east is from the west
cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
rising up in me again
in the arms of your mercy I find rest,
cause you know just how far the East is from the West
from one scarred hand to the other.

I start the day the war begins
endless reminding of my sin
time and time again your truth is drowned out
by the storm I'm in
today I feel like I'm just one mistake away,
from you leaving me this way and Jesus can you show me,
just how far the East is from the West
cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
rising up in me again
in the arms of your mercy I find rest
'cause you know
just how far the East is from the West
from one scarred hand to the other.

I know you've washed me white,
turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me through,
to get me through this night
can't live by what I feel
but by the Truth your Word reveals,
I'm not holding on to you
but you're holding on to me,
you're holding on to me

Jesus you know
just how far the East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I've been,
rising up in me again
in the arms of your mercy I find rest
'cause you know just how far the East is from the West,
just how far,
from one scarred hand to the other.

updates on documents

Nothing can be easy. How long do I need to be at this to know that? Seriously???

Last week, I spent some time on the phone with Mark Seibel from the Embassy. Yes - the same Mark Siebel I sent the email to (see in post about the Embassy letter). Well, he is a really nice man, and is actually DOING something. The Chief Deputy Council bla bla bla...is going to Irkutsk this weekend to meet with the Chief Judge on behalf of American families. THIS IS CRAZY! Our case is the most complete and most current, so Mr. Siebel was interested to talk with us at length.

We thought our (new) documents would be presented to the Judge next week - so the timing was going to be perfect.

But then we learned that the Judge has decided to take a vacation until Nov. 5. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? The good news is that the Chief Judge will accept our documents since Judge Stepanova will be out.

It will be interesting to see what happens in the meeting with the Embassy and Chief Judge. I am sitting on pins and needles!!!

touching adoption story

I want to share an adoption story. This is the story of a friend of ours (who will remain anonymous). This person has been a great support to us, and has prayed with us throughout this entire process. Today, he is an amazing man of God – someone anyone would be humbled to call ‘friend’. Below is a recap of an email conversation we have had over the past few days.

Dear Marty and Kathy,
My heart has been very moved by your love for this girl. I think you both know that I was adopted when I was five. My brother and I slept in a cardboard box in Chicago. In the winter we rode the streetcar back and forth across the city all night to keep warm. The family who adopted me also had some struggles; and my "blood parents" later tried to kidnap me. My adopted family sold their business and home in Illinois, and left all of their relatives and friends and secretly moved to Indiana, just to make sure that I'd be safe. What a sacrifice they made for little 'ole me.

So I know what "ADOPTION" means! I will continue to pray for Anya and all of your efforts to reach this precious life.

Irkutsk - the walking street

Many of you have probably heard me talk about the walking street - this is a road in downtown Irktusk. It's where there are a lot of shops - and my fav restaurant. Here is a video of the street - what you will see is VERY typical. For those of you who have been there - the big mall is behind the camera. The camera is pointed toward Karl Marx street (I think). My restaurant, Fiesta, is the bigger red building to the right (I think...)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z3PzpDfBGoM&mode=related&search=

document update

We got word on our documents today. We were able to gain some assistance from the law school at the University in Irkutsk. They have provided the Russian version of the Hague - highlighting the section that says, "an apostille can not be rejected".

Our lawyer had a meeting with the Judge regarding our case. The judge confirmed that our lawyer will have no trouble submitting our file again with the corrections, clarifications and so on.

YAY!

So now, we are back into prayer-warrior mode. We need for all of the documnets to come across the Judge's desk - and be flawless. We are still praying for a miracle, and want Anya home by Christmas! OK, I know I've said that every year for the past 3 years...but I'm going to keep saying that until I don't have to anymore!!

Russian adoption video

If you've ever wondered about Russia, adoption, what the orphanages are like there...I encourage you to view this video

http://www.thepromise.org.uk/video.htm

There is another vide on this site as well, here:
http://www.thepromise.org.uk/originalvideo.htm

so sad!!

Press On

I talked to a friend tonight who is going through some stuff. As I was talking with her on the phone, I was trying so hard to come up with the right words to comfort her. Nothing was coming to my mind. I wanted to tell her that God would never give her more than she could handle...that she knows the Truth...that the worst is behind her...that I loved her, and would do whatever I could to help her through this.

And no words came to me.

Tonight when I got home, I wrote her a note. The song 'Press On' was ringing in my head so loud - I felt like I needed to turn down the stereo! So, I sent her the lyrics to this song. The words are something I've clung to so many times.

Press On (3:56)
(Dan Burgess)

When the valley is deep
When the mountain is steep
When the body is weary
When we stumble and fall

When the choices are hard
When we're battered and scarred
When we've spent our resources
When we've given our all

Chorus:
In Jesus' name, we press on
In Jesus' name, we press on
Dear Lord, with the prize
Clear before our eyes
We find the strength to press on

In Jesus' name, we press on
In Jesus' name, we press on
Dear Lord, with the prize
Clear before our eyes
We find the strength to press on
To press on

©1983 Belwin-Mills Publishing, Inc. (ASCAP) All rights admin. by Warner Bros. Publications, Inc. (ASCAP) All Rights Reserved. Used By Permission.

10 things that make you smile

My friend Brenda "tagged" me on her blog tonight. She posted 10 things that makes her smile, and asked 3 people to post what makes them smile.

What a perfect thing to have me think about today! I've had a particularly crappy (is that politically correct?) day. Ever had one of those days when everyone you have to deal with gets on your last nerve? Ugh!

OK, focus on good things…

1. Knowing there is a God, the He loves me no matter what! (even when I have days like today)

2. My husband…he’s a good one! God has truly blessed me with a good man!

3. Our little Anya…only God could have perfected a union like the one we have with that little one! It still amazes me how much she looks like us and acts like us…and I didn’t birth her – and she is still living in the orphanage! Her laugh, her smile, the way she mimicks everything I do. Pretty much everything about her makes me smile.

4. Good friends – who will listen to you gripe and feel your pain, and love you anyway (and then probably pray for you!). Ya know, those pals who you can call or email from Russia when you're in a panic, and they will answer the phone or email? ...unless then went to bed early? (ha ha, had to get that one in there Kath!)

5. I love the worship band at church, I love the worship music my hubby has made…but ya know, Bon Jovi REALLY makes me smile :) (or maybe it's just John BonJovi?)

6. Great shoes – ok, seriously – I love shoes. I think it is a sickness. Better than therapy, healthier than mood-altering drugs or food. ...so I guess my awesome job should make me smile too - so I can buy great shoes! (seriously, I do love my job!)

7. Fall – I love this time of the year – when the air is cool, and the sun is warm (but not as warm as it was today…93 the end of September is nutty!)

8. Relaxing in the pool with my hubby – the only time we’re not working it seems…our cheap little above ground pool is the best investment we’ve ever made!

9. Laughing and being silly…I don’t take myself too seriously, so I love being around other people who don’t either. LIfe is too short to be constantly wondering what other people's motives are, and wondering if they think you're an idiot.

10. The amazing things that God is doing – things I don’t even know about and can’t see…I guess the ‘end of the story’. That makes me smile with tears in my eyes.

Now, I would like to hear from you!! What makes you smile?

documents...wouldn't ya know it

Well, I shipped off a stack of documnets to Russia on Friday. I was witing for a form we needed to get from our social worker. I waited a day before I got tired of waiting, and sent to documents. Wouldn't ya know it...about the second the DHL guy pulled out of the driveway, the FedEx guy pulled in - with what I had been waiting for.

Oh well - what is a little more money lost in overnight fees?

...off to sell more pants and tops :)

What do I do?

I ran into someone the other day who asked me “so, with all this waiting to adopt Anya, what do you do every day?” Seriously - someone said that to me.

My initial instinct was to say that I’ve been spending my time getting massages and pedicures…but as I started to speak, I bit my tongue. Asking me a question like that really means that she doesn’t know me well. What did she think I was going to say? That I sit in Anya’s room and cry away my days? That I sit at my computer and blog about all the ridiculous things people say to me?

Ugh!

letter from the Chief of the Immigrant Visa Unit at the United States Embassy in Moscow

We got this note today from some new guy with the Embassy in Moscow. To date, no government agency has done squat to help us - so I am more than a little skeptical about this guy.

Below is his note to me - and my reply...happy reading!
________________________________________
From: Moscow Consular, Russian Adoptions
Sent: Thursday, September 20, 2007 8:02 AM
To: kathy@mmprod.com
Subject: FW: Request for information - Irkutsk adoptions

Greetings,

This July I took over as the Chief of the Immigrant Visa Unit at the United States Embassy in Moscow, and I am writing to update you on the Embassy's ongoing efforts to resolve the continuing problems with international adoptions in the Irkutsk region. A few days ago the Ambassador raised this issue in a meeting with Russia's Ombudsman for Human Rights, former Russian Ambassador to the United States Vladimir Lukin. At Ambassador Lukin’s invitation, we intend to follow up with his office to review cases pending in the Irkutsk region to assess how best they might be resolved.

This past summer, the Embassy sent out a request for information to families who have been trying unsuccessfully to adopt in the Irkutsk region, and the information we obtained from those who chose to respond to this request will be extremely helpful as we engage with the Office of the Human Rights Ombudsman. If you have not responded to our earlier request for details about your case, and if you wish the Embassy to raise your case with the Office of the Human Rights Ombudsman, I would invite you to respond to the questions below with any information you may have to offer. Please respond as soon as possible if you wish us to raise your specific case. Details regarding any specific problems or objections given by the court for not accepting your dossier or not providing you with a hearing date would be especially useful.

If have new information to report, we would appreciate updates. If you do not wish us to raise your case in our ongoing dialogues with Russian authorities, please let me know that as well.

I want to assure you that we will continue to raise the problem of American adoptions in the Irkutsk region (and elsewhere) with the appropriate Russian authorities, as we advocate for a fair, transparent legal and regulatory framework for international adoptions in Russia.
Sincerely,

Mark Seibel
Chief, Immigrant Visa Unit
Embassy of the United States
Moscow

Questions:
1) Name of adoption agency (in US and in Russia, if different)
2) Name of Russian adoption agency representative and contact information
3) Yes / No, Was your adoption agency accredited at the time you submitted your application to the court in Irkutsk?
4) Date you submitted your application to the Irkutsk court
5) Docket or case number given to you by the court (or confirmation the application was filed)
6) Explanation the court gave you as to why your case would not be considered
7) If the court had any procedural complaints, were these addressed?
Please feel free to add any further details which may be relevant to identifying the reason that your case was halted by the court. If the court provided any written refusal to you, please provide the substance of that refusal, or even better, a scanned copy of the document.
_________________


Hello Mr. Seibel,

Let me start this note by saying that I think, after 3 years, I have become an expert on adoptions from Irkutsk, and am an expert on being a pre-adoptive-parent.

I am sure prior to you taking over this position, you were given background on the situation in Irkutsk. Allow me to share my experiences with your agency / office.

I have provided information to your office SEVERAL times in the past. I have filled out your forms, and answered your questions. I have spoke on the phone with people in your office. Nothing has ever happened. 2 years ago, we received a letter from the State Department saying that (basically) they are sorry for our frustration, however are choosing not to do anything to help.

We were told (over a year ago) that the Embassy was “looking into the matter”. Looking into a matter and taking bold action are very different things. Bold action is what is required in Irkutsk. Interested onlookers are not helpful; on the contrary, they are bothersome. Unless there is a solid plan to deal directly with the authorities in Irkutsk (the Chief Judge and Governor’s office), and force the courts to adhere to their own law, I politely suggest you remove this project from your desk.

It is cruel and unfair to continue to give American families false hope by saying that you are looking into a matter. As one of the families who have been waiting the longest, and one of the families who were to get a court date the summer Nina Hilt was murdered (2005) – I am tired of empty promises. I am tired of inaction, and I am tired government bureaucracy. The only thing I am interested in is real, solid, swift action to bring my daughter home.

The problem with the ‘plan’ your office has in place is that most American families have not submitted documents to the Judge in Irkutsk. There are very few (2 or 3) American families who have presented their documents to the courts in Irkutsk over the past 2 years. Our dossier was presented in 2006, and again 10 days ago.

I have been diligent about making contacts in Moscow and Irkutsk to keep our adoption moving forward. We just returned from a trip to Irkutsk. We were granted a meeting with the Chief Judge in Irkutsk regarding our case (very unusual for an American family). The Chief Judge accepted our documents, and passed them along to Judge Stepanova (the Judge who is ‘in charge’ of adoption cases). Judge Stepanova issued a legal statement regarding our documents, detailing changes. This is the same thing that happened when we presented our documents a year ago.

The changes the Judge has asked for include some things that do not represent the law (in Russia, or in the United States). Examples include:

1. The way the documents are apostilled. The apostille on all of our 125 documents adheres to every standard and guideline specified by the Hague. The Judge doesn’t like the way it is done. She cites that other countries use a ribbon (for example) to tie all of the documents together. She also cites that the border (box) around the information on the piece of paper that is the apostille isn’t a perfect square (I think the dimensions are 10cm x 10.12cm – something insignificant). Our lawyer in Irkutsk is going to fight this, however, the ultimate ruling is up to Judge Stepanova.

2. She also cited in the legal statement a Russian law that deals with adoption agencies that work in Russia. This law deals with the way the office is to be set up within the Russian Federation. Bottom line – this has nothing to do with us, our case, or our documents. I am not sure why this is even a part of our legal statement. Of course, our lawyer is going to fight this, and ask the Judge to completely remove it from the statement.

3. The statement also make mention that we are independent. It does not say that she will refuse our case because of this, it is just a comment made in the legal statement. I should also preface this by saying that the Judge continues to hear many French cases – all have been successful in court. All are independent.

4. In the past, the Judge in Irkutsk has accepted documents, with the condition that the family obtains a medical exam prior to court. The medical exam (by 8 doctors) needs to be done at a state clinic. The ONLY clinic that is a state institution, that houses each of the specialists is in Moscow. Judge Stepanova is requiring this medical exam before she accepts documents. The medical exam is only valid for 60 days (might be 90) – and the Judge will not offer a court date within that time, so the document expires. When the document expires, the Judge will refuse the documents because of an expired medical exam. This is what has happened to us. Essentially, what this means is thousands upon thousands of money spent unnecessarily by American families. It is a never ending battle that could go on forever.

I am interested specifically in what your office will be doing, other than gathering the same information that has been provided to you time and time again. Quite honestly sir, I am so fed up with the lack of support and help by my own government I could scream. To this point, everything has been a lot of talk, and no action. I refuse to allow our little girl to be a political pawn. I will not stand by and 'wait' for you to gather more information. I won't sit back and be patient and wait to see what happens. I do not trust that anyone or any agency will do anything to help us get a court date in Irkutsk, and bring our little girl home.

It will be interesting to see what you DO.

Sincerely,
Kathy Friend

SO FRUSTRATING!

For a long time, I really thought that God's plan in this adoption (partly) was to teach me patience. Then I thought maybe it was perseverance. Then maybe it was tenacity. Now, I think maybe the lesson is to not lose my mind under extreme pressure!

The changes to our documents was minimal. This is good. I got everything done - and have been waiting to for the document from our social worker. With that, I can send things to the State to be apostilled - then everything can be shipped off to Irkutsk.

Well, I was supposed to get that document from the social worker yesterday, and I still don't have it. It was Fed Ex'ed, and I can't seem to find information on it to trace it.

UGH!

Anya and education

I've been thinking a lot about how much Anya has changed in the past 3 years. Gone are the days when she had chubby cheeks, and barely spoke a word.

Education in the orphanage is a little different than what we would consider education. Anya is very smart. She is quite an artist, can recite poetry, knows several dances. She has no problem singing songs in front of her group.

There is a lot of emphasis on the arts as opposed to science. She can count to 10, but then needs help. She can't write her name, and can't read. But - she loves to 'read'. She loves looking through books, and being read to. This shows me that she is hungry to learn.

When we were there a year ago - she couldn't count to 10. I think maybe we were the first ones to really count to 10 with her. She could count to 3, but then got confused (and it was like 1-2-3-5-6-4-8-7).

Anya also has some natural athletic ability. I've never seen the kids being schooled in the finer points of athletics at the orphanages...but who knows. That little girl can throw a ball, and catch it like you wouldn't believe.

Anya is very concerned about her appearance. One day, we got to the orphanage a little early - and she was outside playing with her group. She saw us, and RAN inside to "look pretty for mama and papa". It bothers me a little, that somehow she has learned that she has to look nice for us...which of course she doesn't. But, when a new 'mama and papa' come to the orphanage, there is talk among the caregivers about how they have to 'make the children look beautiful'. The kids do put on nicer clothes, bows and ribbons in the girl's hair and so on.

Kids are kids, I guess. And they pick up things, and learn things you wouldn't think they were paying attention to.

If other moms and dads are on this board, and can chime in on this Russian institutionalized education thing, I would love to hear what your experiences were.

piggy-backing on previous post..

To take the previous post (news story called 'Does She Cry in Korean?"...I found this website http://www.adoptlink.com/language.htm. I feel compelled with the strength of pre-adoptive-parents, AND post-adoption-parents everywhere to share this enlightening information.

It is funny the things people say to you when you are part of an adopted-family. Things people would never say to someone who was pregnant - or who had birthed a child. The good-intentioned comments can be naive, and quite honestly, cold-hearted.

In the 3 years we've been on this journey, we've had some amazing things said to us. Most aren't mean-spirited, many made me take a step back and say "huh"? Here are some examples:

"When are you going to look in the mirror and admit that this adoption might not happen"?

"Why in the world would you want to start another family again at YOUR age?"

"Are you SURE you want to do this?"

"It seems you are just throwing away good money after bad"

and my favorite:

"Why would you want to go to Irkutsk, don't you know that the devil lives and breathes there?" ...that one was too much. Anyone that knows anything about being a Christian knows that anywhere the devil is - so is Christ. So, yes, that is EXACTLY where I want to be!!!! And, to take that a step further - If the devil was 'living and breathing' there...why would I want to leave my daughter there?

Something that is said to us all the time, is "so-and-so adopted from Russia, and it only took them less than a year. You should call them". I completely understand the logic and helpful spirit that is behind this kind of comment. And, for a long time - I hunted down and talked to TONS of these families. I quickly found that was a complete waste of time.

This is why. Each region in Russia operates independently. Basically, it's like each region (state) is a different country. Unless the family who has adopted did so in Irkutsk - there is nothing that they can say, and no information they can provide, that will be helpful to us. Unless (of course) they know someone in power in Russia, who might be connected to either the Chief Judge in Irkutsk or the Governor in Irkutsk.

Adoption isn't for everyone. Likewise, birthing a child isn't for everyone! I know there are tons of people out there who don't understand why we're still fighting, and I know that there are even those out there who don't support our fight. So be it. To the naysayers - I say this...UNTIL YOU'VE WALKED A MILE IN MY 3" STILETTOS, KEEP YOUR COMMENTS AND ATTITUDE TO YOURSELF.

on being an adoptive parent

I found this article on another blog. Although it is old - I love it.

'Does she cry in Korean?' Parents get questions when raising adopted kids Bill Dawson
August 10, 2005 ADOVARONLINE0810


Adoptive parents of foreign-born kids get these questions all the time:
“Is she your real daughter?”

“How will you teach him English?”

“How much did she cost?”

Kris Huson of Children’s Home Society and Family Services in St. Paul calls these “the grocery store questions.” Though usually well-intended, they can make an adoptive parent cringe.

Or laugh. “Does she cry in Korean?” is one of the bizarre questions asked of Kim Brown, adoptive mother of a 2-year-old daughter.

“I always thought babies cried in a universal language,” says Brown, who lives in Crow’s Landing, Calif.

My wife, Ila, and I, who adopted a baby girl named Sonali from India, are constantly amused at what people say.

Ila, who is of Indian descent, had a co-worker tell her, “It’s so amazing you were able to get such a beautiful child from such a poor country.”

Hmm.

Mary Sjoberg of Apple Valley got a similar jolt after she decided to adopt a child from Calcutta. Her aunt asked, “Oh, are you going to India to adopt because they’re so smart in math?”

Kristin Vonnegut’s mother asked, “Are you going to become Buddhist?” after Vonnegut decided to adopt from India.

“Which is funny,” says Vonnegut of Avon, Minn.,“because most Indians aren’t Buddhist.” Vonnegut’s father-in-law wondered why she wasn’t adopting from Mexico, where “they’re so much more docile.”

Speak to me

Ila and I also have discovered that curiosity around language abounds when you adopt a child, even a non-speaking infant.

“Is she learning English?” is a popular question. Sjoberg, a teacher, was surprised to hear this from a colleague.

“My school is half ELL [English Language Learners], so, excuse me?” says Sjoberg. She adopted Kiran, now 4, when the child was 8 months old.

Kristi Jenkins of Marion, Ill., will soon be united with a 20-month-old boy from Mumbai, formerly Bombay. She’s also mom to two stepchildren and one biological child. Her stock answer for those who wonder how she’ll be able to communicate with her newest child?

“I tell them, we didn’t understand our biological daughter when she spoke to us in English at 20 months,” Jenkins says.

Harsher words

Not all comments are so amusing.

Before her baby joined her, Sjoberg was asked if her little girl would be “dots or feathers.” Sjoberg was baffled until the questioner explained that dots meant dots on the forehead —India-born —and feathers meant feathers in the hair — American Indian.

She’s also heard, “Thank God she’s here and growing up a Christian,” and, from an elderly man in Hoyt Lakes, Minn.: “If you rub her skin, will that make her lighter?”

Others stand out:

“Does that dot on his forehead scratch off?”

“I couldn’t bring a person like that into my home.”

“Aren’t you afraid people will think he’s Middle Eastern?”

The last came from a co-worker who said, “People will think he’s a terrorist,” prompting Jenkins to ask, “How can a 20-month-old be a terrorist?”

Jenkins blames some of this on where she lives in Illinois. “I think I’m kind of in redneck land here, and I think there still is a lot of racism.”

But similar comments are heard in Minnesota, which has the nation’s highest rate of foreign adoptions per capita.

Ask Becky Steeber, who works at Children’s Home Society and is an adoptive mother of three. A physician tending to one of Steeber’s adopted boys, who has spina bifida, asked, “Do they [the adoption agency] have any healthy white kids?”

“One of most appalling comments I ever got,” Steeber says.

What’s worse, Sjoberg said, is that often, “they’ll ask these questions right in front of the child. It really amazes me how people can be so … unsmart. I really want to say stupid.”

Brown sees this as a growing challenge now that her daughter is getting old enough to understand what is being said about her.

“I have to think how Natalie is going to think about these questions,” says Brown. “I don’t want her saying, ‘Are you my real mother?’ ‘Do you love me as much as your other kids?’\u2009”

Cautious questions

So what is the right thing to ask? First, know that adoptive parents aren’t hypersensitive souls who parse every statement, looking for something offensive. We love talking about our kids. And we understand that most people aren’t trying to be insensitive; they just don’t know how, or sometimes what, to ask.

Still, when addressing an adoptive parent, you might want to rethink the following questions:

“How much did he cost?”

What you probably mean is, “How much did the adoption process cost?” That varies, with much of the cost going to administrative fees. “It’s not just paying someone off and taking a child across the world,” Brown says. Some parents find this an intrusive question, others are happy to answer, but none of us likes to think of our kids as having price tags on their foreheads.

“What happened to her real mom?”

We know you mean “birth” or “biological” mom, but it’s still a sore semantic subject. Adoptive parents are real parents and some can get really touchy about this. Try to use the b-words, birth or biological, and we’ll try to understand when you forget.

“Why did you adopt overseas when there are so many children here?”

Multiple reasons. One is the domestic adoption laws that give U.S. birth mothers time to change their mind and reclaim the child. Bonding with a child, and then losing him or her to the birth mother, is heartbreaking, especially for couples who adopt because of infertility. This seldom happens with foreign adoptions.

“Why was he put up for adoption?”

A fair question, but don’t be offended if we decline to answer. Many parents consider the details private, and want the child, when he or she is old enough to understand, to know this information before others do.

“Do you get to go to an orphanage and pick one out?”

No, it’s not like choosing a puppy at a kennel. Usually, the prospective parents submit a preference for a boy or girl, a range of ages, and whether they’d be willing to take on a “special needs” child, which is usually a youngster with a disability or health concern. The agency or service eventually sends them the picture and profile of a possible “match,” which parents can accept or refuse. If they refuse, they’ll get another match, until they finally find the right child for them.

“Isn’t she lucky, being raised by loving parents in the U.S.?”

Sure, but it works both ways. Adoptive parents feel immensely lucky and blessed themselves. Even non-religious couples often feel that Providence has stepped in and given them the perfect child.



For more information: http://www.childrenshomeadopt.org

Bill Dawson is at wdawson@startribune.com.

What is Russia like?

I've run into a lot of friends who are asking me what Russia is like - aside from my editorial comments. I thought the best way to tell that story is with some photos.


This is a photo of the Novatel in Moscow. Probably one of the nicest in the city.





This is a photo of a typical neighborhood. Most people live in apartments - but the neighborhoods are surrounded by ancient homes like these. Most don't have running water or electricity...which is completely unimaginable considering this is in Siberia!

Anya's English Lesson

Anya Fun Video

Anya Good Bye Movie

I love this video - it was taken on our last day in Irkutsk (last Saturday). In the beginning, you will hear Anya say "ya tibya loobloo" That is 'I love you' in Russian.

Also, when she is on the phone, she says "hello - how are you" and 'paka' is good-bye.

Just a little helpful translation!

Good Things About Russia

I feel like I have been doing a lot of Russia-bashing recently. I kind of feel bad about that - because there are things about Irkutsk I really like. So, in the interest of 'fair reporting', I thought I would post a list of those things I do like and miss about Irkutsk:

1. Anya (duh)

2. the water - I don't know what it is about the water, but it does wonders for your skin and hair

3. Anya (double duh)

4. Walking. We figured that we walked about 5-6 miles a day - which is why on day 1, my feet hurt so bad! But thanks to the Adidas store in downtown Irkutsk, from that point on - I had happy feet!

5. OK, the Adidas store!

6. Since we're on shopping (something that I consider myself an expert at)...boots and shoes. Irkutsk has the greatest shoes - and there are more shoe stores there than anyone could ever visit during one trip. I will say that the 2 boots I got on this trip are some of my favorite (leather, hand crafted for about $35 each!)

7. Another shopping note - fur. This is the place to get a fur. I figure the last time I go there, I will splurge and get a fur...maybe a mink? Or red fox?

8. Anya

9. Simplicity. Everything seems so simple there. Our lives are so busy, and filled with junk. THere isn't time or space for junk when we are in Irkutsk. Everything is very simple. And, we get by nicely (without all of our electronics, gadgets and comforts of home).

10. The people watching. Not only the beautiful Russian women, but in general.

11. Anya (gotta throw that one in again)

12. Bread and Cheese - since that is about the only thing I eat there - I will say they have great bread and cheese.

13. Speaking of food...Fiesta (the restaurant on the walking street that is kind of like a Russian version of Panera) and the new buffet on the corner of Karl Marx and the walking street (best potatoe pancakes I've ever had!)

14. The friends and people we've met in Irktusk and Moscow. Everyone that we're working with (and have worked with) are genuinely great people. Although they don't always appreciate our American sence of humor - we love them all for all they've done for us.

15. Finally...Anya. I miss her laugh, her smile, her inquisitiveness, her mimicking everything I say and do, her hugs, the sparkle in her eyes. I miss her asking me every day if I got her some sunglasses to wear.

I think once we get Anya home, we will still remember Irkutsk with fond memories...traveling there is another story - but being there is always nice. When we were in Moscow - someone said something to me that was interesting. He said, "In Russia, it is very hard to get here, and very hard to leave. It does not make sence, even to me - one who is Russian".

...and I think that is a great way to end this post!

Fun Statistics

For those of you out there who know me well - you know that I dig stats (which is probably why I was a good media buyer - back in the day!). I have a statistics function as part of this blog, and I thought I would share some of the info:

Since mid-August, we've had 576 (as of now) visitors to the site

The visitors have come from 3 countries: USA, France, Germany. This is a little skewed since I logged on when we were in Germany (so that was me). I do have some other Irkutsk-adopted-parent friends in France - so that makes sence.

Most people log on between 7-9am, with another spike at 6pm.

Most people come here from a bookmark in Internet Explorer or Firefox. But, several people have come here through classreport.com. My high school class has a site there, and I posted a link to this site on my profile. For those Riley-ites who have visited - Hello! And thanks for stopping by! ...and Lisa B. - if it is you (I guess it isn't Lisa B anymore!) - I can't find your email address, and I need to get in touch with you! Email me! I'm coming to Ohio next week.

Thank you to all who have followed our trip - we will continue to update the blog with our progress, and any new info.

Surprise!

I just love this photo of Anya. She was sitting on my lap, and I was showing her some toy or something. Too cute!

Anya in glasses

Yes, ANya is still wearing glasses. WHen we got there - we were told her glasses were broken a long time ago...and amazingly while we were there, she got new glasses. I still am not convinced that she needs them.

GOD IS GOOD – ALL THE TIME

When things happen, like what has happened to us with our travels over the past dew days, I always start thinking to myself - what is God trying to do with this situation. What am I going to learn? Marty keeps telling me that he thinks at the end of all this, I am going to be one to help families who are adopting with paperwork and nightmares. I can’t truly help unless I have experienced everything there is to experience. Well – as nice as that is, from where I sit right now, I don’t think so!

As we are sitting on our direct flight from Frankfort to Cincinnati – I just noticed what was on the TV in the airplane…Friday Night Lights. And, what got my attention was someone saying ‘South Bend’, and the football players on the show talking about going to Notre Dame.

What truly matters in any story is how it ends. We’re not quite done with the end of our adoption story, but we are turning the page on this chapter. This chapter is going to end with us home…coming into the C Concourse in South Bend! (and right now, after 2 days with very little sleep - that thought is about to make me cry!)

Trip from H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks

I don’t think I can put into words, the feeling at the end of a trip – when you reach that point when you are just ready to be home – when you find out that you might not be able to go home (and it’s not your fault, or in your control). I am still reeling over the experience in Moscow yesterday. I swear I don’t understand why no one with any airline would help me. Here is a reiteration of one of my favorite interactions with one of the members of the Aeroflot team:

Me: “hello, please, can you help me”
Aeroflot: “what is your problem”
Me: “I am interested in purchasing a ticket to London”
Aeroflot: “it is very expensive”
Me: “Can you please tell me how much?”
Aeroflot: “Neit!”
Me: “What about Paris, are there seats available on your flight to Paris tonight?”
Aeroflot: “Yes”
Me: “how much for 2 tickets on that flight?”
Aeroflot: “it is not available”

After that enlightening conversation, I decided to call home and get some help on that end. If we could get a hold of someone who could call Sandy, she might be able to help us. I wasn’t thinking that it was Sunday morning (about 11am) at home. In order to use the phones in the Moscow airport – you have to purchase a ‘smart card’. We got 2 smart cards – good for about 6 minutes on the phone. There are about 10 pay phones. 9 of them don’t work. I found the 1 that worked, and started to try to get a hold of ANYONE at home that could help. I started with my Mom (home – no answer. Cell – no answer). On to my brother – he ALWAYS has his cell with him, and always answers it. No answer. Then – I tried to call my friend Kathy – she always answers too. No answer. The on to Melissa – Sandy is her step-mom, so I thought she would know how to get in touch with Sandy. No answer.

After a few attitude adjusting deep breaths, I started to try to call everyone on the list again – from the top down. Where in the world was everyone in my life???? This time, Mel answered the phone – but for some reason, she couldn’t hear me. ARE YOU KIDDING???

After slamming the phone back onto the wall, and noticing that all of the guards and police-types were looking at me, I thought I better take a walk and cool off. A guy came up to me, and was asking me about the phone. I wasn’t in the mood to ‘chat’. Come to find out, there was some trick to using the phone – a trick that wasn’t written in English on the phone. Apparently, when the party answers the phone, you are supposed to hit a button to activate the ability for them to hear you. So – back to the phones I went to call Melissa again. THANK GOD! She answered. I got the phone numbers for Sandy.

I slight feeling of relief came over me…I picked up the phone, and tried to call. No answer.

At this point, I think Marty was getting scared of me. I could feel that I was about at the point of losing it. You know that feeling where you really just want to cry – but you can’t? So you are using all of your energy to fight back the tears?

I walk back up to the Aeroflot counter, the ONLY one with an agent (imagine that!). Again, this woman would not help me. I don’t know if she didn’t understand English or what. I was done – totally and completely done.

Marty and our driver, Max (yes, poor Max was with us, trying his best to help) went to the counter. I told Marty I didn’t care where we went, but we needed to get out of the country – and we only had a few hours to do that.

We ended up in Munich. Of all the places we could have ended up – it was perfect. Just what we both needed. That is a beautiful airport. The people are so pleasant, very helpful, very willing to handle whatever your problem might be. A great example is when we got off the plane, and went up to the information desk. We were trying to find a hotel. Rather than simply telling us where the hotel was, the person at the desk called the hotel, got the rate, reserved the room and gave us a kind-of confirmation. By the time we got to the front desk (about a 5 minute walk), our room was ready for us – with an upgrade to a suite! Although we were only going to be in the hotel for a few hours, it was so nice! Internet access to contact our family (and Sandy) to help us figure out how to get out of Munich, a huge bed, great shower, room service with food that was some of the best we’ve had in a LONG time!

From Munich – we headed to Frankfort – and had the same outstanding experience with everyone we dealt with. If you ever have the chance to fly Luftansa, go to Munich or Frankfort – do it! And of course, call Sandy at A World of Travel to help you. She has been our lifeline over the past few days. I seriously do not know what we would have done – or even where we would have started to find a flight home. Sandy was able to give us EXCELLENT advice, and more importantly, tell us what we needed to do to get home.

The Mosquito Diaries

I hope the roving gang of mosquitoes that made a meal out of me are happy. I do tend to exaggerate, but this time, I promise that I am not stretching the truth. I have roughly 25 bites. I do not understand how I can have all these bug bites, and Marty has none! The other odd thing is that I didn’t feel any of them! At home, you can generally feel a mosquito attack…in Russia, they’re like ‘no-see-ums’.

…and of course, since we left Russia, I have not had any kind of bug bite me!!!

Getting out of Russia

Well, we have had one HECK of a time trying to get out of Russia. Our flight was delayed by 8 hours, causing us to miss our connecting flight home. With the help of Sandy from A World of Travel (and everyone should use her for travel needs!!), we booked a flight from Moscow - Rome - Paris. Well.....those darn Ruskies, we missed that flight too. And wouldn't ya know it, NO ONE in the Moscow airport could help us. We spent roughly 2 hours going from desk to desk, asking for help. We tried to get a ticket to Paris - and were told 'no'. No one would help us. The ONLY place someone would allow us to buy a ticket to was Munich - so that is where we are - Germany...

Why not overnight in Moscow? Well, our Visa was only valid through Sept. 9 - so we had to get out of the country by midnight. If we were there any longer, we would not be allowed to leave - and according to the Embassy, it would take at least 5 days (up to 20) to get the right documentation to get us home. UGH! Not allowing us any leeway on our travel dates is another "thanks Russia" thing. Our Visa came directly from the Russian consulate in Houston. They required that we only have a visa for the exact dates of travel.

I don't even want to think about how much time, money and frustration this is causing us. We've been awake for about 27 hours. I've not eaten (Aeroflot doesn't serve food I can eat...nice!)...so we're a little DONE with this traveling thing.

We're heading to Frankfort tomorrow a.m., then catching a flight home. We will post again once we get home.

Praying for safe, efficient and hassle free travels!

-Kathy and Marty

Anya

Anya was asking a lot today if she could go with us. She asked Julia (our interpreter) several times when she was going to go with us. We still don’t think she completely understands the whole concept of being adopted – but she does know that she is going to go home with us – although she thinks ‘home’ is like where she is now. I think I had a worse time leaving today than Anya did. As we were leaving, she asked if we were coming tomorrow…we said no, but we would come back one day. She kind of sighed and said that she would be waiting, and would miss us. My heart broke. Every single one of her caregivers has asked us when we are taking her home. I know they have no idea what is going on with the court and the Judge.

In Anya’s daily English lessons, we taught her to say I love you. Today she was putting together ‘I love you mommy’ and ‘I love you daddy’.

We’ll have more photos and video to post next week when we get home. We leave Irkutsk tomorrow morning at 8am.

THE THING ABOUT RUSSIA

There are a few things about Russia that I can not understand. I’ve been here 4 times, each visit, I stay at least 7 days…and I still can not figure out why texi drivers and clerks at stores (specifically at grocery stores) get peeved when you don’t have the exact change. It makes no sense!

I also don’t understand the driving here. It is like one of those crazy video games – in real life. It is unusual to be here for any length of time and not see a fatal accident. Which brings me to another oddity of Russia. When there is a bad accident – no one seems too excited about it. We saw one (again) today, there looked to be a dead guy in one of the cars…and no one was really doing anything. A few people standing around and a police officer measuring something on the road. Odd.

Wearing the same outfit for days on end. Maybe it is because of what I do for a living, but I don’t get it. Apparently, Russians wash out their clothes at night, and wear the same thing the next day.

Beer…everywhere beer. Not vodka – beer. Beer in the hands of everyone on the streets; kids, grandmothers, amputees, men, well dressed women. Everyone!

The inequality of good looking people. As I mentioned in another post – there are a lot of beautiful women here. Even those girls who are ‘ok’ have striking features. Men – not so much. I think I’ve only seen maybe 3-4 good looking men.

Fish for breakfast. I know that this is a ‘thing’ at home too (I watch Martha Stewart – and yes, I know she has salmon every morning). But common – yuck! A little fish with your corn flakes!?

Why are there SO MANY ½ built buildings all over the place…but a ton of new construction going on?

And I really do not understand how I got SO MANY mosquito bites all over my arms and hands! UGH!

I do understand feeding children tea, pushing and shoving instead of orderly lines (to get on an airplane, pay for something, walk through a door…), and how ridiculously hot it is in the mall. The bottom line? There’s no place like home!

IRKUTSK

For any of you who have been to Irkutsk – you will appreciate how much it has changed. When we first came here (3 years ago), very few places took credit cards, and the only familiar place was Benetton. Now, there is what appears to be a Domino’s Pizza, Burger King, and most places take credit cards.

There is construction all over the place - lots of new buildings and places to go. It's like a new city!

Anya's mama and papa

Anya has gone past calling us mama and papa. Now, we’re officially mommy and pappy. More specifically – HER mommy and pappy. Anya goes back and forth to who is her favorite. Today – I was her favorite. Everything I did – she did. It was so cute! She asked me to get her 2 lipsticks, because I had 2 lipsticks (her lipstick is Pooh chap stick). She wants sunglasses because mama has sun glasses. She wants earrings, because I have them (we have those play stick on earrings…yesterday she had 4 on each ear!). She likes her red shoes because Mama has red shoes. She has taken to mimicking everything that I do…I stand and put my hand on my hip – and so does she. Whatever I say – she repeats. Needless to say, I probably need to be careful about the words I choose!

Little Stinker

We are back at the apartment for lunch after our time with Anya this morning. When we got there, she was being taken into the doctor's office for some kind of finger-prick. She was not happy about that!

After she calmed down from that - she was in a mood! I don't know what they fed her for breakfast, but it really wound her up! I seem to remember during our last trip - toward the end of our stay, she started testing her boundaries and so on. One good thing is when she starts acting up (throwing toys, climbing on furniture etc.), we tell her no - and she does stop. It's easy to redirect her attention to something more productive.

We brought some string and beads with us today so Anya could make necklaces for all of the kids in her group. There are 10 children - 3 girls and 7 boys. All of the children loved their new bead necklaces! It will be interesting to see how many of them survive lunch.


more later!

Document update

Before we head to the Detski Dom today, I thought I would post a quick update on our paperwork.

The statement from the Judge was interesting. The main problems she has with our documents is our Indiana State apostille. I did work with the State Department to have them change it, however, apparently it is not a PERFECT square (something that you could only find if you measured it with a ruler...by eyeballing it, it looks like a square). She is also saying that the way the apostille is attached to the document isn't legit. Whatever that means.

We will need to find the Russian version of the Hague detailing the 2003 (I think) update/revisions. We just need to show her that the things she is asking for are not the law.

Other changes are minor. Nothing we can't take care of swiftly. We have until September 25th to comply. Our lawyer said that typically, families do not comply with every change detailed in the Judge's first statement. Some of the things the Judge asked for in the statement, she was provided - which means that our lawyer needs to go back to her to show that we did provide that. Once the lawyer and Judge agree - the legal statement is revised, deleting that point.

This morning I will need to get a hold of our friends in Moscow to help us redo some medical forms, and to redo a letter from the Embassy. The Embassy provided us with a standard letter that is used throughout Russia...but of course, this letter isn't good enough for the Judge.

Like I said, the changes are minor - and a matter of "majoring in minors". The most concerning thing I can see is the apostille. Gathering all 125 documents last time for our dossier about sent me over the edge. I can't imagine having to do that again. I will...but the thought of it makes me want to curl up in a corner and hide.

Please pray that we can quickly find the information on the Hague in Russian. I have a weblinnk - however it is in English. If anyone out there has a link - please forward it to me!

Thursday

I tell ya, the more time that we spend with Anya, the more in love with her I seem to be. There is something to seeing our little girl’s face in the morning light us as we walk into her room. And the look of disappointment at the end of the day when we tell her that it is time for us to go.

I know leaving this time is going to be very hard.

Anya didn’t want to play outside today. We can’t figure out why – other than to notice a change in her personality when we go outside. There are always lots of other kids playing, and Anya clings to us. Maybe showing that we’re hers? One thing I noticed is that when we pay any other child any kind of attention (even to say hello), Anya instantly wants to be picked up. We stayed in for the morning, but were told that she must go outside in the afternoon. She was even taken to the doctor’s office, so the doctor could tell her that it is good for her health to go outside.

We’ve been playing a lot of catch with her. She loves that game. These are some photos of us playing outside this afternoon:










And yes, she has worn the same pants since we gave them to her on Sunday. I bring her new outfits every day, but she insists on wearing those jeans (that are falling off of her booty).

Anya loves to pretend play. We have had several tea parties, we ate a dinner of cabbage, soup and meat at her restaurant (the cost was 5), and we watched her play house with some dolls. She is so imaginative, and so good at imitation. We’ve been working with her every day on English. She likes to show off to the other kids in her group using English words. We will try to put up a video of her speaking some English.

Photos from Wednesday

More Photos...

more miracles

We just found out that the Judge will have a statement ready regarding our documents tomorrow afternoon. This is crazy! Legally, she has 5 business days, and we are getting a statement within (basically) 48 hours! Our lawyer and interpreter are dumbfounded. Everyone is scratching their heads, with smiles on their faces. We were also told that no other American family has been able to get this far in the system in 2 years. No one knows what to expect.

Of course, we don't know what this statement will say, but we are continuing to pray that Judge sees everything that she requires in the documents, and doesn't see the things that cause her to reject documents.

It's all too much...we are simply amazed at what God does when a situation is covered in prayer.

...more when we know more!

Anya Singing