smiles with unexpected blessings

I was working today, for those of you who don't know what I do for a living go HERE.

So, I was working. When I head out for the day, I am always looking at a 1/2 hour (or more) drive. One of the many joys of living in the boonies. As I drive I always listen to WFRN or PULSE FM (Christian stations). Many times as I am singing at the top of my lungs, I find myself deep in thought and prayer...and generally it is over Anya.

Such was the story today.

I don't know if I want to admit it, but I was praying for a sign. Something to let me know that HE is hearing me. I know how crazy that sounds, and how unfaithful that is...but that is where I was. To be honest, I prayed something like this "OK God, this is out of control. I need a little somethin' somethin" (just keeping it real here)

I went to my client's home, chose her wardrobe for the next 7 days (remember me saying if you don't know what I do...go HERE?). I got a call from my local Russian friend who also works in the fashion world. Kind of funny that she called me, I haven't seen or talked to her in MONTHS - I've been thinking about her a lot the past few weeks. Every time I hear her voice (or a thick Russian accent) I can't help but to get a little misty eyed.

Then I made some some courtesy calls with local boutiques and shops. Soon after I walked in one of my regular haunts, a woman came in that I recognized but couldn't place. I realized that she is the one who had the Silpada fundraiser for the adoption a few months back. She said that she saw me come into the store, and wanted to give me something. She handed me a check for $100 toward the adoption. I am not kidding.

I have been consigning things for a few months now. I have taken things from my closet and the closets of my clients. All of the money raised from the clothes will go toward the adoption. I was talking to the owner of the consignment store I do business with, and all the sudden she hands me a check for $375!

Do you ever feel like God sends you a Hallmark card just to tell you He is thinking about you, and to reassure you He is in control? Well, that is how I feel today.

the next step

I wasn't sure what to make of the next step in this adoption process. One minute we're told that the Judge told us to resubmit in July - and the next minute we're told that we have an option: submit in July, or wait until September. (ya, waiting WASN'T an option!)

One thing that I've learned (either through experience or maturity) is to not get upset over the things I can't control. So when our coordinator said he was going to resubmit our documents this month, and when I pressed for a specific date and didn't get one...I let it go. I've also learned that when I press for answers, sometimes I don't get the REAL answer :)

As typical - once a week, I sent the obligatory status update request email to our coordinator. Generally I don't get any reply - which is in keeping with all things Russian (if there is no news, there is no reply). This week, I got a reply. It said simply that a reply from the court can take up to 4 weeks., then a few hours later, we got another reply that we are currently waiting for a reply and expect to get a statement from the Judge any day.

Call me cautiously optimistic - but 'any day' has a different definition in Russia than it does here. So I would think we should know more by the end of the month.

puffy eyes and broken hearts

I have been going through all of the pictures we've taken of Anya over the years, and was feeling nostalgic. Because I am quite possibly one of the most creative people you will ever meet, I took some time to pull together some of these shots into a video montage.

Well, sorta....NOT!

Truth is, I was reading my friend, Kate's, blog tonight. She has a great video compilation of photos from her first meeting with her little girl. Tore my heart apart. Not sure if the ripping of my heart was from the song or knowing how hard it is to say goodbye after meeting your baby for the first time.

Feeling all weepy, I thought I would make myself sink into an even deeper pit - so I started looking through photos of Anya. Seeing how much she has grown through the years is truly amazing...it hurts my heart, it makes me gasp for air and blind from the tears.

So, I got myself together - ate some potato chips and decided to hunt down the song Kate used in her video. It was a good one. I found it...and so started round 2 of the water works.

Then as to be a TOTAL thief of ideas, I went to the website Kate used to create her video and found myself uploading, editing, creating. Here I am, almost 3 hours later all puffy eyed.

I'll be honest, sometimes I get tired of fighting, I find myself refocusing away from Anya. I've put off doing paperwork because I didn't have the strength. I dread sending ANOTHER email to ask for an update on things. I struggle composing a note to send to Anya, not sure what to say.

Tonight, this is what I needed. I needed to just sit at my computer and cry. So thanks, Kate for letting me (without my even asking) to steal your idea, hook - line - and sinker.

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

back on my knees

I think there is a plan. I don't know - but I think it's a plan.

We were given the option to resubmit our documents this month, or hold everything until September. Holding everything until September seemed crazy to us (I can't even say it - or type it - without making a crazy face)...so, our documents are being resubmitted to the court in Russia in the next few days.

The way things work - documents aren't delivered in person. For some reason, that never seems to work - so documents are mailed. Apparently when they are mailed, there is a signature - and that signature is proof of acceptance. Sounded like our stuff would be mailed soon...but 'soon' in Russia means a few weeks.

I'm back on my knees again over this. In some ways, it doesn't seem like anything has changed since February. In other ways, it seems like a ton of progress has been made in the past 5 months.

So for now...we pray.

milestones and dates on the calendar

For 4 years, 11 months, 2 weeks and 4 days I have marked dates in my planner that meant something. Many times, these marked dates weren't in ink, or marker or even pencil. Most of the time the dates where in my head...but important nonetheless.

The dates aren't the ones you might imagine. Mother's Day doesn't phase me. Holidays like Easter, Christmas, Anya's Birthday don't really bother me either. I've never purchased a gift for Anya for Christmas, and left it unwrapped under the tree (which would have been stupid, considering she would have been 2 when we started this practice, and now is 7...what in the world would I have done with all those gifts?).

The dates that bother me are my birthday, the Children's Christmas presentation at church, the baptism celebration at church and Scoop.

And now I know you are asking "what in the heck is Scoop". Scoop is the start of each new fashion season. In a nutshell, I travel to some destination with 2,000 other fashion people for what we call Fashion Week. We learn about new trends, see runway fashion shows, have random training seminars, go to big dinners. bla bla bla. Well, what happens at Scoop (aside from the self imposed stress of what to wear), is that you go into a meeting with a bunch of people you don't know. You start talking to the people around you and always ask "where are you from" "How long have you been working in this line of work" and of course "do you have kids". That always launches into my canned adoption speech.

Many of these ladies I've met I see twice a year, and have been seeing them for YEARS. Now when I see them, they want to know if I brought Anya with me.

I remember 5 years ago going to the baptism celebration. Marty and I sat at the edge of the lake, watching the dedication of babies. We saw kids who had made a decision to give their lives to Christ be baptised. Knowing what it will take to teach Anya about the Love of Christ, and considering that one day - she may be walking into the water is pretty overwhelming.

The Christmas children's program church always bother me because as the children sing on stage, I can almost find myself searching for Anya among all the little faces. I know she isn't there...but for some strange reason I still look.

And my birthday...wow, sounds kind of selfish doesn't it?

I think the birthday thing bothers me for a few reasons. Some of my favorite memories as a child was planning my Mom's birthday. It was a big deal to me. I always wanted to get the perfect gift (which was usually some ugly nightgown or horrible handbag). Wrapping it was always a big deal too...it had to be perfect. On my Mom's 50th, I organized a surprise party for her, to this day she claims that she is finding little confetti pieces in the shape of "50's"...and let's just say that was more than a few years ago (haha!). I think we all want to recreate things for our kids that are the good memories of our childhood.

I think that annual planning exercise taught me how important it is to make a big deal for other people...to do something for someone else, just because.

That feeling of giving joy to someone else led to me hosting my own birthday parties. Every year marks another year that I am a woman without children. At my age, most women have a family, they have children...very few don't. So rather than to pity another year gone by, I've had my friends over to my house for a midsummer cookout. The cookout was a clever way to have a birthday celebration without anyone feeling like they had to bring a gift.

This year - tomorrow actually - I turn 40. One of my blog friends (Kate) and I have had conversations about how it is important to us to have our girls before we turn 40. We don't know why, but it is important. This birthday, I won't have my baby girl. I don't know where she is (camp I assume) and it sucks.

I'm not posting this as some kind of plea for you all to leave poor Kathy comments - please don't do that.

I know many of you are my every day friends, and are sick of hearing me talk about turning 40. Well - now you know why I've been consumed by that number. I don't care much about being older (I have a great relationship with a very good dermatologist...if it bothers me enough, I can fix it), I care what being older represents.

Twiddling thumbs

Seems like I would have something adoption related to post today - but I don't.


Been working on our yard. It's funny - the things you wish for when you are growing up. Then as you pray for them, God graciously grants you the prayers of your heart...then as an adult you wonder WHY did you pray for those things?


Case in point - big house. I grew up in a big house, therefore I mistakenly thought everyone should have a big house. I had this idea in my head that I wanted a house that looked like 'X' and was decorated like 'Y'. Well, God is good! Now I have too many square feet of floor to keep clean, and a serious dust problem. Not complaining...just stating the facts.


I also prayed for flowerbeds. I have always loved planting things. In my former life, I was married to someone who didn't like flowers, so he didn't let me plant many. Current perfect husband lets me do whatever I want, and we live on 3 acres. 5-6 years ago I started panting things, harvesting hosta, swapping ground cover for day lilies with friends. Well, now I have an overgrown mess! Can't figure out what I should dig up (and I can't bring myself to pitch anything that is living - will need to find a new home for anything I remove), what should be cut back - kinda looks like a jungle around here. Every day I go outside and think to myself that I am going to have some kind of vision as to what needs to be done - and frankly, every day all I see is a bunch of stuff I don't know what to do with.


I believe to the core of my being that my life is a perfect example of being careful for what you pray for. Not in a bad way...just in a realistic way.




In the heat of everything I prayed so desperately for, I couldn't see how it all would end. In the heat, it seemed - well, hot. I just wanted it all to stop, to be over and done with. Heat tends to make you uncomfortable, stretch you, make you see things in a way you wouldn't normally.


But - in the heat is where God is working. I know that. I believe that. I've experienced that. I have stories how it works out on the other side.


Marty and I could have been married 10 years ago. That wasn't God's plan. Through a lot of pain, junk, stuff and garbage - we came out of it...wonderfully happily married. I wish we didn't have to go through the junk - but I am glad we did. It has made us a strong, unbreakable couple. It made us US. So, we've been married for 5 1/2 years.


We could have adopted a child 5 years ago. But that wasn't God's plan. Knowing that God's plan is always perfect...I'm willing to wait. I will wait, and pray, and be thankful for this time, because God is using this heated time to do something only He could do. And I think that is pretty cool.