Telling Everyone

This weekend in church, our pastor talked about ‘telling everyone’ you know. I started remembering back when I first became a Christian, and how I told everyone I knew – then about how when we were first starting down this adoption path – and how I told everyone I knew.

Why did I stop telling everyone? My enthusiasm and passion for both of these things hasn’t diminished. Puzzling.

So, I’ve been thinking about that, why did I stop telling everyone? It was true that many times when I would share my Faith, people would listen, and ask a lot of questions. My favorite comment was, “wow, you are so normal for a Christian”…whatever THAT means .

Likewise, when I would talk about our adoption journey, I would share some of our struggle, and people are interested. People have even told me they are encouraged by our tenacity and Faith.

So – why have I stopped talking about it? In the past, you couldn’t know my name was Kathy without knowing that I go to GCC (our church), I am a Christian, my Faith is important to me…and that we are adopting a little girl from Russia.

I think I stopped because of a few things. First, I got busy – my mind got busy and cluttered with my to-do list, and my goals have been all about getting things out of my in-box. I also think I got to the point that I thought I was bugging people. I didn’t want to ‘bore’ people with those details of my personal life.

But – the facts remain. My Faith and the fact that we are adopting Anya define who I am as a person.


So – I am going to start talking about it again. I guess – this is a fair warning!

...and then reality smacked us in the face

As we were packing up on Tuesday night to catch our VERY early flight Wednesday morning, my Mom called. My Mom never calls when we are out of town. The conversation started with "Just wanted to tell you what is going on"...which in my family is code for something bad happened.

A close family friend, Jason, had been severely beaten, and was fighting for his life. The prognosis wasn't good. Jay's family was rushing to his side. By Wednesday morning, Jason had died.

We didn't sleep at all Tuesday night - every time we would talk, we would say "I just can't believe it".

The whole thing is so sad. He was only 32. Killed in the prime of his life. He has 2 small children. At the time of his death, Jason had so many promising things happening in his life. Lots of plans for his future. He had been working very hard on MANY things to make a better life for his family.

We can all take comfort in knowing that Jason is with God. He is free of pain, grief, confusion, sadness. For that, YAY Jason! High 5 to you!

To Jason's Mom and family - I am so sorry. I just don't know what to say, other than our thoughts and prayers are with you.

back to reality

Well, after traveling since the first of March, we're back to reality. Although we were traveling for business, it was good to get away.

Our travels started in Oklahoma. Now - I will admit, when I scheduled the biz trip to Tulsa, I wasn't very excited about it. But I will tell you now - that we LOVED Tulsa! All of the people we met were wonderful - very friendly. The client we went there to see we loved. Marty got along very well with the husband, and I simply loved the wife. We've planned several more trips there - and they are going to come here (to Chicago).

Then we were off to LA. I am not a big fan of Los Angeles. Been there several times - and never felt very comfortable. We stayed in a great location - 1-block from the ocean and boardwalk. But there were homeless people everywhere.

WARNING ABOUT THE PHOTO - I needed a haircut before we left for Tulsa - and couldn't get in until next week...so no comments about my do. It is bad!




After LA, we headed to San Francisco. Funny how things work out. I have been stressed and over-committed for months. No time to stop and catch my breath. About the time we were packing up to head to SF, my client called to cancel. NOT what I wanted to hear! But - she had an employee that had been killed at work - in Germany. So, my client was on a flight heading to Germany (not so mad when I heard that!). Marty and I soon found ourselves with 2 days - an no appointments. What to do with all that time?

On Monday, we headed to Napa. We love Napa - it is beautiful at any time of the year. ON a whim, we stopped in a winery called Mumm. What a great time! They specialize in 'bubbles' (i.e. fizzy wine like champagne etc.). We got to try things we would never had otherwise. They had a great art gallery - lots of photographs...the kind that bring tears to your eyes when you see the beauty of nature captured in film. What am amazing way to really see God's power!









Tuesday, we spent the day downtown. Of course we had to go to Nordstrom. It would have been wrong to be THAT close to a Nordstrom, and not do a little shoe shopping! We did the tourist trolley ride thing to the wharf - it was nice.


Now, we're gearing up for several other biz adventures. Miami, Chicago, Tulsa, and trying to plan something into Virginia and maybe the Carolinas.

Need an Oprah Hook Up

I was surfing the net today, and went to www.Oprah.com. There is a section on the 'be on the show' part of the website that used to have a show topic called "do you need an Oprah hook up?". It's too bad that topic idea is gone...because I do!

I can't help but to believe that getting Anya home is going to be because of someone we know (who knows someone). I have had this feeling for a LONG time. If you do any research on Russian business culture, you will quickly learn that most business agreements happen on relationship. Well - we need to find that relationship connection to Judge Stepanova! and/or to the Supreme Court in Russia.

Maybe you know someone who is connected with someone powerful. Oprah knows everyone. I also know that Martha Stewart has Russian connections.

OK, so maybe I am thinking out of the box - but hey, it can't hurt!

Michiana Mommy Makeover Contest!

I don't usually post work related content on this blog - but this is such a great thing, I wanted to make sure a TON of people heard about it.

Michiana Mommy Makeover Contest!
There is a fascination with makeovers - makeover television shows, makeover stories, makeover tips. We seem to be a society obsessed with the idea of a makeover.

Anyone who has gone through a complete makeover experience knows that the process is more than just a new haircut and some new clothes. The process is a transformation from the inside out. Sometimes it is an awakening of the beauty that was being hidden by poorly fitting clothes, and an outdated hairstyle.

When someone says they want a makeover, what they are really saying is that they are ready for a change. They are ready to close the chapter on one story of life. A makeover is more about what happens inside than what happens in the mirror. As women, it is easy to get over involved in the 'business' of being a women. It is all too easy to define yourself as a mom, a wife, an employee; and forget that first and foremost, you are a woman. The Moms that I have helped redefine a style all say the same thing; they express the idea that since their kids were born, they simply forgot how to be a woman. Many times after childbirth, or for women in their mid-30's, things change. Our bodies change, and we don't know how to dress this new shape.

It's all very common, and to every woman reading this, you are not alone! My belief is there is no better way to honor my marriage or my kids than to take care of myself. Ladies, we have a choice to make. We can stay in the rut we think we are, and not change - and everyday wonder when things are going to take a turn for the better-or, we can get out of bed, take a real interest in ourselves, and become the hot Momma we know is within!

If you or someone you know is deserving of a Mommy Makeover, please read on. Below are contest details. If you have any questions about the contest, please do not hesitate to contact me.

CONTEST DETAILS

Last year, you might remember the Michiana FAMILY Magazine's Mommy Makeover. We chose a Michiana Mom, listened to her needs, and gave her a complete makeover. The lucky winner was Kris Peterson of Goshen. Kris's new look is amazing!

This year, we are going to honor a Michiana Mom with a complete makeover. Do you know of a Mom who needs a little confidence boost, someone who has been giving her all to everyone around her, and it's time for her to give some time and attention to herself? I want to hear from you!

Nominate a Mom (or nominate yourself!) for the 2008 Michiana FAMILY Magazine Mommy Makeover! In 300 words or less, let us know why your Mom deserves to be the 2008 Michiana FAMILY Magazine's Mommy Makeover!

HOW TO ENTER YOURSELF OR ANOTHER DESERVING MICHIANA MOMMY

*the deadline is extended for those on this list ONLY. Deadline extended to Friday March 7th

All entries should be sent to makeover@michianafamilymagazine.com. All entries must be received by midnight on February 28th, 2008. Please include a photo of the nominee, and her name, address and phone number. Any entries received without this information will be considered invalid. All entries should include (no more than) 300 words, and answer the questions, "why my nominee deserves to be the 2008 Michiana FAMILY Magazine's Mommy Makeover".



Other guidelines of the contest are as follows:



1. the winner must be a resident of Michiana

2. the winner must be willing to make a change in her appearance; this can include, but is not limited to, 1 new outfit, wardrobe coaching, updated haircut, updated hair color and makeup

3. the winner must be willing for mFm to document the makeover via photographs, and be willing to sign a media release

4. the winner agrees to have her makeover story told in mFm

5. the winner must be able to devote 1 full week day for the makeover process

6. the winner understands there is no cash value to any of the prizes awarded in this contest

7. the winner holds harmless, and releases rights to litigation to all advertisers, mFm, Kathy Friend and all contributors to the contest

in search of a stone

I was driving home last night from work listening to the radio and thinking. Seems the only time I have to sit and think is when I am driving.

I have been feeling that I am coming to the end of my resources. I am hitting walls that I KNOW I can overcome, but I can't find a solution to the problem. We're not seeing steps backward with the adoption - just feels like running a sprint - in place...over and over again, nonstop, for years on end.

Apparently there isn't enough to take our case to the Supreme Court. The Judge in Irkutsk hasn't 'denied' our case (i.e she hasn't said no) - and I guess until she says no, we can't take it to the Supreme Court. I guess there are more documents the Judge has asked of our lawyer - but of course, I have no idea what those documents are. SO FRUSTRATING! And - in the process of all the dilly-dallying, many of or documents have expired. What documents you ask? Good question - I have no idea (probably criminal checks, but a list of what we need to redo has not been provided).

There is also a rumor that the Judge won't accept the accreditation of this one agency who has federal accreditation in Russia (who works in Irkutsk). The documents they needed to file in the region were to be filed the first part of January. Well, we're looking at March 1 - and the documents are still not filed. Grrrrrr. We are traveling the first part of March, and will be in the neighborhood of the corporate office for this agency. My plan is to set an appointment with them. We'll see.

So, I'm driving home late last night. - and a song came on that I have heard a thousand times before (Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns). But for some reason, there were parts of the lyrics I had never heard before. This is what I heard loud and clear (and if you've heard this song, you know that picking out words is a little tricky):

The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Well, that's me. Standing before this giant with nothing. I got nothing - no rights, no tricks up my sleeve, no miracles. All I have is Faith. This one thing that makes most people think I am nuts. Makes the people in Russia wonder about me.

Somewhere there is a stone (or document or person or something) that is JUST THE RIGHT SIZE to defeat this giant.

If you happen to find a stone that is just the right size, let me know!

at church this weekend

We are starting our annual financial series at church (GCC) this weekend. The series topic is around the 80's - also known as 'my generation'. The title to this weekend is 'living on a prayer' - yep - a great Bon Jovi song...and guess who is singing? My husband! How happy am I?

Well, at band practice last night, there was a lot of talk about 80's attire. Being the fashion expert of the group, I offered some ideas. See our fine musicians below...in their best 80's Hair Band attire! Meet (L-R) Dustin, Marty, Dan and Leah!



*** no Mom, this isn't really them...it's a doctored picture of Van Halen with the band guys faces!

Looking for help in Russia

I've been doing a lot of thinking and praying. I am trying to figure out why it is taking so long to adopt Anya. I am thinking of other situations with friends where things didn't go as planned - and then years down the road - something happens to make it all make sense. In theory, you would think this would be an encouraging way to think - but everyone I could think of wasn’t so positive. A couple were trying to have another baby…a year (or so) later, it comes out that he is having an affair, and they are getting divorced. Another person I know was trying to adopt, kind of in the same situation we’re in, but decided to stop the process. Some time later, she find out that she has cancer.

God does know what He is doing. If my friends who were trying to have the baby did – she would be a single mom of 5…the 4 they already have, and an infant. And if my friend would have decided to press on with the adoption and if it would have been finalized now – she would be a single Mom fighting cancer. Or worse – she would be denied the adoption because of the diagnosis.

So I wonder, is something bad going to happen? Is there something horrible God is trying to save us from? And what would be more horrible than to leave Anya in an orphanage?

Since we started this process, I seem to look at every obstacle in our lives as a learning experience. I look at every frustrating encounter as preparation for being a Mom. Silly, huh? But the one thing I don’t get is the waiting…

It occurred to me today that we know someone who is pretty well connected in Moscow. I emailed him today to ask for his help with the Supreme Court. At one time, he said that if we were adopting in Moscow – he would have so many connections for us, that we could get this done with no problems at all. That stuck in my mind. So – I emailed him to see who he might know. From what I understand, our case goes to Moscow (apparently the Supreme Court is in Moscow). If there were something to pray about, please pray that he answers my email, and knows someone of great influence with the Supreme Court. Someone who is willing to help us. You know me – I think big. I want a complete miracle – I want this person to be able to connect with our lawyer in Irkutsk and somehow take our case to the Supreme Court and then all the sudden one day we will get a call that it is done – to get on a plane to pick up Anya!

Wishful thinking – with frustrating waiting!

If you think it it cold here.

Well, we were whining about it being 3 degrees here today...until I looked at the weather in Irkutsk. -22...that is the ACTUAL temperature. With windchill, it is -34. YIKES! That's Siberia for ya!

another day, another call (from the Embassy)

This morning, Feb. 1, we were woke up by a phone call from the Embassy in Moscow. We chatted for about 30 minutes with our friend there.

We learned that as of today, we are indeed the only pending case for an American family in Irkutsk. Not a big surprise, but disappointing as I really thought other families had presented their documents. Our friend at the Embassy said that if they have presented documents, they aren’t ‘pending’ in the eyes of the court. Bummer.

We also learned that there is quite a discrepancy with how the law is interpreted, and some heated letters have been going back and forth between the courts in Irkutsk and the Embassy. Specifically with the Russian law that clearly states that independent adoptions are legal (as opposed to being with an accredited agency). From what I understand, this has become quite a topic of water cooler humor at the Embassy…since the law is clear, and the court is saying that isn’t want it says.

Bottom line is that we all agree on 2 things:
1. More American families need to officially present documents to the court in Irkutsk and get an official statement. With that statement, they will have something to appeal.
2. My gut says that all of the appeals are going to be for the same thing(s). So – if we all go to the Supreme Court appealing the same thing, that will bring undo attention to this regional judge – thereby making her look not so good in the eyes of her superiors (and peers). This is the loophole for MANY families.
3. We need to keep pressing on! We have SO MANY people and organizations watching us and who on our side praying with us. We have THE ultimate power! We need to remember that and USE IT!

and then January was done...

I have to say how GLAD I am that January is over! It as a very bad month for me…not going to bore you with the laundry list of everything that went wrong or caused me angst, but know that it is a long distinguished list!

One good sign that the month was over was receiving the precious photos of Anya last night. That really brought everything into perspective for me. Another common thread that I have been trying to allow myself to hear is SLOW DOWN (and I get that from more than just the speeding ticket I got  - anyone know someone in the Elkhart prosecutor’s office? This one is going to cost me!). Last night at church there was a very strong message made…as a society we are too busy. We took a quiz to see how busy we are. I was almost embarrassed to admit that I got almost the highest scores available. Yikes!

I know I have to slow down – but how do you do that when you have commitments up to your eyeballs? Anyone, anyone?

Our Little Princess

Just got an email from Russia. Anya is doing well, she has grown even taller than she was in September! I was one of the tallest in my class until maybe 7th grade...so, it's OK! She is like her Mama!

Here are some pictures of Anya with the Christmas gifts we sent to her.











Not sure what is the deal with the reindeer get up. I assume that Anya was a reindeer in some kind of winter play. She doesn't look very happy about the costume does she?

I Surrender All

To know me is to know a few truths. I love shoes. I love clothes. I love Oprah. Although I don't have a subscription to O Magazine, each month, I read parts of the online version. My favorite thing is reading Oprah's words.

In the Feb edition - she talks about real love. How you are loved through hard times. Pretty good stuff.

So, after reading this - you will understand the title to this post. And - to all you PAPs out there (pre adoptive parents) - SURRENDER ALL. "You don't have to carry the load [of adoption] all by yourself. You can surrender all."

http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/200802/omag_200802_landing.jhtml
...from Oprah

I've gotten a new taste of what love is the past few months while trying to right the wrongs at my school in South Africa. A dormitory matron was accused of sexual and physical abuse at the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls. Recognizing how emotionally draining this time has been for me, people reached out with their encouragement. People I knew well and many I had never met built a bridge of support allowing me to laser-focus on doing what was necessary, moment by moment, to help each girl.

Yes, I was devastated—devastated times 150 trusting hearts. I couldn't stop thinking about the girls, every single one of them—remembering when I first interviewed them to come to the school, and their high hopes and happy smiles the day they were accepted. So many of them had already had such difficult lives: poverty, death, violence, grief. I wanted their lives at the school to be not just better but easier and free from all harm.

So that dream was temporarily thwarted.

But I can say today (as I write this, I'm on a plane to Africa once again) that the sweeping changes instituted since the report of abuse have put us on the path to a more stable and secure future than we had before. The crisis has forced the school's staff, administrators, teachers, students—and everyone associated with their well-being—to create a more open and collaborative environment. So the new birthing I spoke of in last month's column has begun.

Throughout this process, I've been sustained by my abiding faith in a power greater than my own. I've recognized in every dark moment that this too shall pass. That's the mantra that's kept me going from the moment I received the first phone call of suspected abuse.

After many days of constant conversations and working through a multitude of concerns, I was worn out, but my spirit's never faltered. I've remained encouraged by the grace and love of friends who've e-mailed, written, or called. So many people asked, "Is there anything I can do to help?"—not knowing that they already had, just by asking. Gayle was as exhausted as I but still attended every meeting with police, and parents. Maria Shriver left daily messages reminding me to hold firm to my intentions in building the school.

Every note or message felt like an embrace, like the greatest valentine anyone could receive. None came with frills or fancy bows—just its own heart-spoken truth. This last line in a handwritten letter from Sidney Poitier spoke volumes: "The universe and all your friends have your back."

To know that people care about how you're doing when the doings aren't so good—that's what love is. I feel blessed to know this for sure.

One day while I was doing the show, my friend BeBe Winans appeared in the audience. "BeBe, why are you here?" I asked during a commercial break. "No one told me you were coming!"

"I just came to see you, see how you were doing," he said. That's strange, I thought, but continued with the show. Afterward he followed me to my office and said, "There's something I came to tell you." And as I sat behind my desk, he started singing what he knows is my favorite spiritual: "I surrender all. I surrender all. All to thee, my blessed Savior, I surrender all."

I sat silently, closed my eyes, and opened myself to accepting his magnificent and humble offering, this gift of love and song. When he finished, I felt a release of all pressure to do anything. I was content to just be. And for the first time in weeks, I experienced pure peace.

When I opened my eyes and wiped away the tears, BeBe was beaming. He started laughing his huh, huh, huuuagh laugh, and gave me a big hug. "Girl," he said, "I just came to remind you, you don't have to carry this load all by yourself. You can surrender all."

And in that moment I did.

Listen to I Surrender All Here http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/200802/audioplayer/mission_player_180x200.html

one of those days

Ever have one of those days?

Well, today was that day for me. Thought it was going to be a great day - had an appointment this morning - went well...then it all fell apart.

In a nutshell, I had to fire someone (who should be on meds), got in a very minor car accident, found out that one of the pre-adoptive parents I have been waiting with is in Moscow waiting to come home with her bundle of joy (not from Irkutsk...and I am VERY happy for her - just stings a little for some reason, and I am embarrassed to even admit that!), am so sore from the gym yesterday that I can't move (I was trying to be someone I obviously am not), realized I have a butt load of laundry to do - and can't foresee a time to get it done, and think I have a big zit coming on my forehead. Great. Perfect ending to a crappy day.

I know that makes me sound like I am complaining - and I am not. Just a trying day that I am glad is over.

So - instead of TGIF, for me it will be TGISaturday!

Good Story

I read this on one of the chat boards I am on - I thought you night enjoy the story.

When my boys were all teens, (the oldest 18 and ready to move) I started having this dream. It was a dream of a baby, in a dirty diaper, whispy blonde hair, dirty, sitting in piles of garbage and there were bugs everywhere. She had a dirty bottle and arms extended like "please pick me up". It was a pathetic sort of cry, and then I'd be trying to reach her, pick her up, and I couldn't get to her, she'd start fading away and it was like I knew she was starving and dying (like inside)
and then I'd wake up. This happened again and again, sometimes several times a night where sleep was disturbed alot.
In talking to my friends, they said, "oh, it is probably empty nest!" I thought, NO WAY! I definitly DO NOT have empty nest; our nest is full and I'm looking forward to the guys going off to college and the next stage of life. (I'm not one of those wanna keep em' young till they are 30 types)

This went on for several months off and on. Then, it went away. It was gone for 2 years. I didn't think that much about it, but was also puzzled by it.

One day, our relatives from Oklahoma came to visit. They had an extra child with them. She was 4, very, very tiny for her age, whispy blonde hair.... she said, "will you be my mommy and daddy?"
We figured she asked everybody that, but there was something in her look, in her question that was more. Something not to be brushed off so easily.

After they left, guess what came back? That same dream. Intense as ever.
Still didn't connect it.

Well, we adopted that little girl, our little Anna. It takes a long time for US adoptions to finalize, especially when they are between states. So 10 months later, after she had been with us that long, we finalized our adoption. That meant, we FINALLY were able to see her disclosure papers.

This is what I read.

Anna was picked up by the police. The police report stated that she was in a house with piles of garbage and bugs, sitting in a dirty diaper with a bottle, crying.

I got chills. That was my dream. I knew it right then. I knew that all those doubts that had flooded my mind, "did we do the right thing?", " are we too old?" "are we the right parents?" "do we have what it takes"? The Lord KNEW I'd be asking those questions.... so he sent confirmation ahead of time and sealed it in our hearts forever that we are hers and she is ours and that is how it is meant to be.

She KNOWS this story and rests in it, that God looked down and saw a little girl in big trouble and arranged ahead of time for our hearts to be ready for each other. Not our timing, but His.

January Adoption 2008 Newsletter

adoption update
January 3, 2008

What's going on with our documents?
Excellent question. We finally have enough ammunition in the form of legal statements to appeal to the Supreme Court. The regional Judge (Stepanova) continues to find crazy problems with our documents - things that are not legal reasons.

Because of the Russian holiday - we probably won't hear anything until late January or early February.

We are continuing to pray through the red tape, and evil that is holding Anya hostage. Many of you have asked "don't' they want what is best for Anya?" - clearly, the answer is no. You have to understand Russia to understand the answer to that question.

The New Year is starting off great!
If you've been following our blog, you know there is only one agency that works in Irkutsk who was vying for re-accreditation. This accreditation thing has been a big deal in the world of Russian adoptions.

That agency is Nightlight, and they have received reaccreditation.

Although we are not a client of Nightlight's, the fact they received accreditation is huge for all American families adopting in Irkutsk.

I got some information 'straight from the horses mouth' (so to speak), and the documents will be filed in Irkutsk the week of January 8th. Basically, nothing is final until that document (the accreditation document) is filed in each region that Nightlight works.

We are praying for no hitch, no road bumps, no problems as their representatives in Irkutsk file their document of accreditation in Irkutsk the week of January 8th.

...oh ya, Nightlight found out about receiving the accreditation on Christmas. Now - if that wasn't a gift from God - I don't know what is!

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR US?Nothing - really. But, this will be an open door for all of the other American families who are waiting to gather thier documents and submit them to the court. There is power in numbers.

Happy Holidays!

Just wanted to wish everyone a belated Merry Christmas - and a Happy and Healthy New Year!

This is our tree...and yes, that is Jazz (our cat) who has to get in on the photo!

I will never be the same again

I will never be the same.

There are a few times in my life where I can mark in a calendar and say – the day before this event, I was different. Since this event, I am changed. Those life changes are what make me…ME. The good, bad and ugly :)

I think if we all think back over our lives, there are marked times when our perspective changes forever. When we are children, maybe it was when we found out that Santa Clause is really a man in costume, or when we finally ‘hit the ball out of the park’. Death of family members, divorce, seeing our parents for who they are as people, meeting our spouse – those are times when our lives change.

When I met my husband – my life changed.

When I learned the true meaning of Christmas – and saw Jesus’ life as a history lesson rather than a fable – my attitude changed.

When we decided to adopt – my perspective changed.

When I met Anya – who I am changed...my heart was different. The moment that little blonde haired, green eyes little girl walked into the room...I was different.

Changing my idea of who I am wasn’t hard when I became Marty’s wife. I guess on some level, I always felt like I was his wife…it just took a while to make it “official” (haha).

The definition of who I am changed when I decided to give my life to Christ. I didn’t change my personality, my friends, or what I liked to do…but it changed my thought process like nothing else I can imagine. It changed my motives for doing things. In some ways – it changed me for the better…but in other ways, I didn’t change at all. I was still me – just a better me. Some people would challenge that I changed a lot during this time...I maintain that I haven't changed...just different.

Then, when I met Anya – suddenly, in an instant – I became someone’s Mama. That is so much different than any other definition I had ever given to myself. I feel a level of responsibility in being a wife, in being a friend, daughter, sister, etc., - but the responsibility of being a Mom is huge.

Part of that responsibility is to protect her. To fight for her. To not give up on her. Since that day in 2004, a day hasn’t gone by that I haven’t thought about her, wondered what she is doing – or tried to come up with a new creative way to get her home. Everything I do is motivated by her. In my work; I am motivated to be the best I can be...because I am Anya's Mommy. I don't want to jeopardize our resources; because I am Anya's Mommy.

Now - when I look in the mirror - I don't see Fran's daughter, Dan's sister, Marty's wife, a fashion/style expert...I see Anya's Mommy.

It's different now. And, it will never be the same.

I will never be the same – and I Thank God for that...for Anya!

update...

Hello Everyone,

We talked to our contacts in Russia tonight. Apparently, the process as I understood it isn't exactly the way it goes.

Before our case officially goes to the Supreme Court - there is a meeting between our lawyer and the judge where our lawyer makes it knows that our intention is to take our case to the Supreme Court. Essentially, giving her one last chance.

The latest deal is that the judge won't accept our documents because we're not with an accredited agency. Which is OK by Russian Law. There are adoptions happening all over Russia by people who are "independent".

There is one agency who is waiting accreditation in Russia - the ONLY agency that works in Irkutsk. We've had some contact with the 'higher-ups' at this organization, and feel that when the accreditation comes through, that we will be able to help them - and they can help us. ...so to speak.

This agency has been 'next on the list' for a LONG time. We found out that there is one document they are having trouble getting in order to have the accreditation finalized. And, who knows when that will happen.

So - we're not waiting.

The plan is to call Irkutsk again in a few weeks to see how the meeting with the Judge went.

More updates in the courts in Irkutsk include a new Chief Judge, a new Deputy Judge...but Stepanova is still there :(

The rumors persist that she (Stepanova) will leave. Her commission is up, so she can leave any time. The newest rumor is that she will not come back after the winter holiday break (the month of January). Who knows...as with everything in Irkutsk, I will believe it when I see it!

So - here we are! Waiting again!

On a positive note, Anya is doing fine. Our friend in Irkutsk checked on her recently, and she is doing well.

Peggy Hilt talks to Newsweek.

To bring you up to speed...in my world, Peggy Sue Hilt is THE REASON we are not able to bring Anya home. She is the whack job who killed her child that was adopted from Irkutsk. When she was being sentenced, I called the Judge's office who was sentencing her, spoke to the media - did everything I could think of to make sure everyone knew that her actions didn't just effect the life of that poor little girl.

Well, in this piece from Newsweek, it seems to paint Peggy in a 'poor peggy' light. UGH! That just makes me so mad I can't see straight! In my world, NO CHILD DESERVES TO BE KILLED - ESPECIALLY AT THE HAND OF THEIR PARENTS! The load of crap that Peggy says here that she didn't know there were resources available to her - NOT! She was a member of several of the chat boards I am a member of - so she knows how to use the Internet. There are so many resources out there, it's stupid.

Bottom line, Newsweek shouldn't give 5-minutes of fame to a mental whack job who killed her child. Period. It does nothing to help anyone.


When Adoption Goes Wrong

Most Americans who adopt children from other countries find joy. But others aren't prepared for the risks—and may find themselves overwhelmed.
By Pat Wingert
NEWSWEEK
Updated: 3:16 PM ET Dec 8, 2007

Peggy Hilt wanted to be a good mother. But day after day, she got out of bed feeling like a failure. No matter what she tried, she couldn't connect with Nina, the 2-year old girl she'd adopted from Russia as an infant. The preschooler pulled away whenever Hilt tried to hug or kiss her. Nina was physically aggressive with her 4-year-old sister, who had been adopted from Ukraine, and had violent tantrums. Whenever Hilt wasn't watching, she destroyed the family's furniture and possessions. "Every day with Nina had become a struggle," she recalls now.

As the girl grew older, things got worse. Hilt fell into a deep depression. She started drinking heavily, something she'd never done before. Ashamed, she hid her problem from everyone, including her husband.

On the morning of July 1, 2005, Hilt was packing for a family vacation, all the while downing one beer after another and growing increasingly aggravated and impatient with Nina's antics. "Everything she did just got to me," Hilt said. When Hilt caught her reaching into her diaper and smearing feces on the walls and furniture, "a year and a half of frustration came to a head," Hilt says. "I snapped. I felt this uncontrollable rage."

Then Hilt did something unthinkable. She grabbed Nina around the neck, shook her and then dropped her to the floor, where she kicked her repeatedly before dragging her up to her room, punching her as they went. "I had never hit a child before," she says. "I felt horrible and promised myself that this would never happen again." But it was too late for that. Nina woke up with a fever, and then started vomiting. The next day she stopped breathing. By the time the ambulance got the child to the hospital, she was dead.

Hilt is now serving a 19-year sentence for second-degree murder in a Virginia maximum-security prison. She and her husband divorced, and he is raising their other daughter. She realizes the horror of her crime and says she isn't looking for sympathy. "There is no punishment severe enough for what I did," she told NEWSWEEK in an interview at the prison.

Hilt's story is awful—and rare—but sadly it is not unique. Adopting a child from another country is usually a positive, enriching experience for both the child and the parent. Over the last 20 years, foreign adoption has become more popular, and Americans now adopt about 20,000 children from Guatemala, China, Russia and other nations each year. (In the last few years, as restrictions and red tape have increased in some countries, the number of overseas adoptions has begun to drop.) Longitudinal studies show that most of these kids do quite well, but in a small but significant number of cases, things go very badly. Since the early 1990s, the deaths of 14 Russian children killed by their adoptive parents have been documented. (That disclosure was partly responsible for Russia's decision in 2006 to suspend its intercountry adoption program while it underwent review.)

Cases like those are extreme, but clinicians who specialize in treating foreign orphans say they are seeing more parents who are overwhelmed by their adopted children's unexpected emotional and behavioral problems. And though reputable agencies try to warn parents of the risks, not all succeed. "In the past, agencies were a bit naive," says Chuck Johnson of the National Council For Adoption, which is responding to the problem with a massive education initiative. "Now we're urging them to give parents a more realistic message." Some parents struggle to find effective treatment for their kids. Others seek to give them up. Reports that a growing number of foreign adoptees were being turned over to the U.S. foster-care system recently prompted the Department of Health and Human Services to order its first national count: 81 children adopted overseas were relinquished to officials in 14 states in 2006.

Why do some adoptions go so wrong? Clearly, it's not the kids' fault. Their behavior is usually the result of trauma, mistreatment, malnutrition or institutionalization in their home countries—problems more common in places like Eastern Europe. But "the country of origin doesn't matter so much as the child's experience," says Dr. Dana Johnson, director of the University of Minnesota's International Adoption Clinic. Some are found to suffer from fetal alcohol syndrome, mental illness or reactive attachment disorder, an inability to bond with a parent. Prospective families undergo an arduous screening process, including home visits, and specify how much disability they can handle. But even families who specifically request a "healthy" child sometimes go home with a troubled one. In some cases, the mismatch is inadvertent. But in others, orphanages or adoption agencies overseas—eager to find homes for difficult children in their care—mislead prospective parents or fail to disclose the full extent of a child's problems or personal history.

Emotional and even physical problems can be difficult to detect at the time of adoption, especially in infants, and often aren't diagnosed until months or years later. Hilt says that's what happened to her. She and her husband decided to adopt after being told she'd probably never conceive. After passing their agency's screening, they brought home their first daughter from Ukraine in 2001, and that went so well they decided to adopt two Russian sisters. But when they flew to Siberia to meet them in May 2003, they were told the sisters were no longer available. Instead, they were told, they could adopt Tatiana, a lively 18-month-old, and Nina, a quiet, withdrawn 9-month-old. They visited Tatiana every day for a week, but officials never let them see Nina again. "They said she had a bad cold," Hilt said. Nonetheless, they signed adoption papers for both girls. But when they returned to finalize the adoption in January 2004, they were told that only Nina was still available. The Hilts hesitated. They suspected a bait-and-switch, especially when officials insisted they sign papers testifying they'd spent many more hours with the baby than they had. "The whole process didn't feel right," Hilt said. "But we figured we could love any child. You convince yourself that everything will turn out OK."

But from the start, Nina "literally pushed me away," Hilt said. Over time, Hilt found herself resenting the little girl. "We'd been such a happy family, and then Nina came and everything changed," Hilt says. "I began to realize that we had made such a big mistake." (Tatyana Kharchendo, the doctor in charge of the Little Sun Child Home #1 in Irkutsk, where the Hilts adopted Nina, did not directly answer Hilt's charges, but insisted the child "was absolutely healthy and beautiful.")

No one is exonerating Hilt or others like her. But Joyce Sterkel, who runs the Ranch for Kids, a Montana boarding school for disturbed international adoptees, says she's come to see the parents as well as the kids as victims in these tragic cases. "It's a horrible thing, but I understand how some people end up killing these kids," she says. "They have no empathy, no affection, no love. My heart goes out to these parents because they don't know what to do."

When Sterkel, a nurse, first started working with international adoptees in the early '90s, she didn't see many deeply troubled children. But 10 years ago she adopted two Russian boys whose American parents had given up on them. One of them, a 14-year-old boy, had just been released from a juvenile-detention center after trying to poison his mother. Over time, Sterkel was approached so often about adopting other children that she decided to open her camp. Today it houses 25 to 30 kids from all over the country, and has a waiting list. The overwhelming majority are from Russia, Romania and Bulgaria, but she also has had children from South Korea and Colombia. Some were bullied or raped while institutionalized or were the children of prostitutes, drug addicts or alcoholics. "I have gotten calls from parents who say the child they adopted has killed the family dog, threatened to kill them, and no one will help them," she says.

Emotional, behavioral and physical problems are not unique to adopted children. Biological children can have the same range of issues. But adoptive parents often assume they know what they're getting into because they get the chance to meet their child in advance. That was the case when Kimble and Shellie Elmore of Los Angeles met a 10-year-old Russian child named Tania in 2005. The director of the orphanage proudly described her as an "angel."

But as soon as they took custody of their new daughter, her behavior changed dramatically. "She was completely out of control," Kimble says. Tania would scream for hours at a time, then fall into deep sullen silence. After signing Tania over to the Elmores, the Russian court handed them her file. They were stunned to find that she had a history of violence and had been transferred from one orphanage to another. They called their adoption agency back home, but were mistakenly told that there was nothing that could be done, that Tania was now their legal daughter. (The American Embassy could have helped, if they'd known.) Seeing no alternative, they boarded a plane and brought Tania back to California. By the end of the first week, she was admitted to a hospital psychiatric unit. She came home a few days later, but things grew worse. She tried to stab her father with a spike and attacked a police officer who came to the house in response to a 911 call.

Doctors diagnosed Tania with bipolar disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder and attachment disorder, and suggested she be sent to Sterkel's camp. In the past year the Elmores have exhausted their savings and retirement funds trying to pay for private residential treatment. "We know she's just a child and we want what's best for her," says Kimble. "But we don't know how to help her. Adoption is supposed to be a touchy-feely thing surrounded with the glow of new parenthood. But no one says, 'What if the worst happens?' "

Psychologist Karyn Purvis of Texas Christian University, who has done extensive research on troubled adopted children, says many of these kids simply don't respond to stern lectures and timeouts. Lab workups of her patients often reveal extremely high levels of cortisol, the stress hormone. "The children, for the most part, were in safe homes living with safe people," Purvis says, "but those cortisol levels told us that their children did not feel safe with them, even if they'd been living safely with them for years." Children like them are almost constantly in a hypervigilant state, she says. They don't let their guard down long enough to forge affectionate relationships.

Over the past several years Purvis has developed new methods to restore a sense of security and trust to traumatized kids. If a child becomes violent, for instance, Purvis often responds with a "basket hold." She cradles the kids firmly but gently in her lap, facing outward, with their arms crossed in front of their chests. She rocks and quietly soothes until they calm down, then asks them to look her in the eye and tell her what they want. Purvis's assistants have taken to calling her the "Child Whisperer."

Sometimes techniques like these result in dramatic turnarounds. The family of a 5-year-old adopted from Russia thought they had no choice but to seek psychiatric hospitalization after she threw her baby sister down the stairs. But after the parents adopted Purvis's methods, the little girl finally started talking about the serious abuse she'd experienced. The child's behavior changed markedly. But her mother "changed even more," Purvis says, "because now she has hope."

Purvis is quick to say that her techniques don't work with every child, and older kids can take much longer than younger ones. "They have to unlearn what they've learned," she said. The next step, she says, is for prospective adoptive parents to get more training before and after they adopt. "Very few agencies are training parents to deal with brain damage, sensory deprivation, aggression," Purvis says. "A lot of these parents are smitten with the hope that they'll make a difference in a child's life, but they need very practical tools. I consider myself very pro-adoption. But I'm also very pro informed adoption. "

Peggy Hilt wishes she'd heard this message years ago. "If I knew then what I know now," she says, "I would have gotten help for Nina and for me." The best she can hope for now, she says, is that her story will prompt others to seek that help before it's too late.
URL: http://www.newsweek.com/id/74385
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