The last 15 minutes of my visits is always the hardest for me. That is when I have “the conversation” with Anya, and tell her that I am not coming back the next day. Each visit, she take this news differently. This time, she got very quiet, and said she didn’t understand. So – between me and the interpreter – we tried several ways to tell her I was going home on an airplane – and I would come back again…and when I came back, I would bring Papa with me.
I know this is harder on me than it is on her. Although she is older now, and does understand more and more about what is going on…she still really doesn’t understand. Her life remains the same – her world isn’t changed, when I leave, everything goes back to a norm that she is comfortable with – happy with. And, that is OK for now.
When I leave, it means that I fret everyday wondering how she is, if a Russian family is interested in her, what the status is of our documents and why everything is taking so long. I spend emotional, physical and financial energy into doing everything I can to have my ducks in a row, our documents perfect and our life ready. …and at the end of the day, I am exha
usted, and I question if I can do it – all of it, any of it. And just when I think I’ve done everything I can, given all that we have…something else is required – and it starts all over again.
My heart breaks for Anya – I know what she has missed (and is missing). I know the plans we have for her. I know how scared she is going to be when everything falls into place. I know how much we love her, and how hard we have fought for her. …and it hurts.
I know this is harder on me than it is on her. Although she is older now, and does understand more and more about what is going on…she still really doesn’t understand. Her life remains the same – her world isn’t changed, when I leave, everything goes back to a norm that she is comfortable with – happy with. And, that is OK for now.
When I leave, it means that I fret everyday wondering how she is, if a Russian family is interested in her, what the status is of our documents and why everything is taking so long. I spend emotional, physical and financial energy into doing everything I can to have my ducks in a row, our documents perfect and our life ready. …and at the end of the day, I am exha
usted, and I question if I can do it – all of it, any of it. And just when I think I’ve done everything I can, given all that we have…something else is required – and it starts all over again.My heart breaks for Anya – I know what she has missed (and is missing). I know the plans we have for her. I know how scared she is going to be when everything falls into place. I know how much we love her, and how hard we have fought for her. …and it hurts.
6 comments:
I know too well the pain you are feeling, and as such, know there is little anyone can say to make it better. Just know that are praying for you, and that you are able to return for a court trip SOON!
I will be anxiously following your blog to see any updates about a court date. One of the guys I work with hopes to get their Russian referal in a few weeks. I have so enjoyed your pictures and journaling of the trip. It breaks my heart that you have the added stress of worrying that someone else could adopt her after all you have invested in this little life.
I will continue to pray and pray for you. Anya belongs with you and I hope it happens SOON!
You are heroic and I admire your courage. I would give anything for an easy button.
I can't imagine how hard those last 15 minutes must be. I will be praying that you won't have to wait so long for the next time and that this is the last time you have to say goodbye. She is just beautiful and I so enjoyed seeing that you were able to put the camera to good use so you could capture all those wonderful memories. Let's have coffee soon!!
My heart breaks for you and Anya.
God has a plan.
I pray it is for a forever reunion.
~amy
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