Heading to Supreme Court

Just got off the phone with Alex Irkutsk. He is our coordinator. He got a call from the court this afternoon. He was told that our file was not accepted, however he was not given a reason. And yes - according to Russian law, a reason MUST be given.

The court also said that a legal statement was written on September 30th, however Alex was not notified of this until today (Oct 9). This in and of itself is against Russian Law. He was also told that the statement would not be ready to be picked up until Monday.

So we're done. We're hiring a shark lawyer in Russia to appeal the Judge and take our case above her head. According to Alex, he feel s that this judge is asking for things that don't exist, and she doesn't understand...therefore isn't accepting our case. Which is not a reason to not grant a court date.

Alex also feels that the Judge is bias against us (gee, do ya think), so the appeal will include a request to have another judge hear our case.

Know we are not the only family in this current situation. There is one other family who is the same boat with us. It's good to not be alone!

Right now we need prayers. Prayers bigger than I can even verbalize.

update of sorts

I guess I should post something. I've been quiet for far too long.

As you know, we had a deadline to get some documents to the Judge a month ago. Well, the documents were apostilled wrong (apostille is basically, a certification from the Secretary of State)...so I had to redo them...in 4 hours on a Friday. That was fun!

Well, the new deadline for those documents was September 28th. The Judge has 5 days to respond to those changes. We should hear something this week...but in Russia time, that means next week.

Our hope is that the Judge will call for Anya's documents to be prepared. When this happens, it is a 2 month mark until a court date (basically). If the Judge finds that she want more crazy documents to be prepared, we will take our case to the Supreme Court.

After over 5 years, over 12 COMPLETE dossiers later, I am DONE with paperwork! There is nothing more that I can possible send to this Judge.

We've been calling Anya every 2 weeks to talk to her. My sweet friend (Larissa) who is Russian, has been helping us. Even tho it is hard to really hold a conversation with a 7 year old on the phone, it's good to hear her voice. We asked her what her favorite subject is in school...her answer...jumping. Yes, jumping!

She always asks (about the first thing she says) is 'when are you coming to take me home'. That is such a hard question to answer - for so many reasons. Mainly because I don't understand it...how in the world is a 7 year old going to understand it!?

Our missionary friends that live in Irkutsk have a nanny, Luda. Luda was raised in the same orphanage that Anya is in. Luda visited Anya the other day. So good to hear a real report of someone who visited her. Luda will be taking Anya to a Bible study once a week (if THAT isn't answered prayer, I don't know what is?!).

Well - that's all I know. I hope my next post is wonderfully fantastic news!

some the madness!

So, I have been tracking our package with the updated documents. We had about 10 days to come up with the Judge's latest requests...we did it. The documents got to where they needed to be...and then we got the call. The Secretary of State's office had messed up the apostille (certification) of all of the documents.

I'm not kidding.

I called the SOS's office to see what could be done, and it seems that they can't just give me new forms and seals, they need the original documents. Makes sense, I guess.

So I had the distinct pleasure of redoing EVERY SINGLE DOCUMENT today. The good news is that I am going to be in Indy on Monday anyway, so I can get them re apostilled.

The bad news is that this means we are forced to get an extension from the Judge. We've never had to do this before, and I don't know how this is going to make us look. I am a little concerned about it all.

Will keep you all posted!

Sweet Brit

It's happened 3 times to friends in the recent past. I swear, each time - it gets harder, not easier. When it has happened before, I didn't know what to do. I remember one time, I made homemade fudge. I don't know why - it seemed like the right things to do. Another time, I made chips and salsa...I always send flowers...but it is impossible to find the right kind of arrangement. Nothing seems to fit, be right, be exactly what I am looking for.


One time I wasn't here - I was in Russia. That was hard - I wanted to DO something, wanted to be there...whatever that means. I remember feeling horribly guilty that I was in Russia.


It happened again...



I am without words, without witty repartee, can't come up with a grand idea to make things better. I wish I had some kind of Godly wisdom that I could spout that would be so profound, so life-giving it would somehow cover the pain.



I wish I had answers, could point a finger, blame someone...



I wish it was a dream, that I'll wake up and look at the clock and think to myself, "wow, that was a horrible dream!"

All I have is prayer, and my heart. I wonder if trying to lovingly pray someone through a wicked time is enough. I wish I could let my heart run a ticker tape - then those who are mourning could see what I am really feeling, what I wish I could say to their faces...I hate it that all I can do is offer a hug and 'that look'. That stupid look...the one that says "I am so sorry, I have no idea what to say to you".


I don't know why children are taken. I can't sit here and spout some kind nonsense like "it's part of God's plan" (although, we all know it is). Sometimes your head knows things that your heart doesn't 'get'. This is one of those things, I just don't get.


Why is a child given to parents. Why is that child stricken with a horrid disease. Why does this child impact so many people in such a profound way...why was her time on this earth so short?

I think times like this, we remember with heavy hearts, and we try to be strong for those left behind. That is what I've tried to do...tried to not cry, try to be a pillar of silent strength...then hang up the phone and sob.

I wish I knew her better. I'll never forget the love she had for her Dad; the bond they had was a beautiful obvious thing. I won't soon forget the strong will that I saw in her eyes.

Cancer is a horrible thing. It destroys. It took Brit at the age of 17...it was too soon.

I pray that Brit's Dad and her family can draw strength from our Savior. Brit is now in His all powerful, all Loving, healing care. I am sure that our Father in Heaven holds sweet Brit in the palm of his hand, while she listens to her loud scream-y music, and paints her fingernails another new shade of black.

I think I will paint my toenails black - I bet she'd get a kick out of that.

now that I've calmed down...

Last Monday, we got another legal statement from the Judge in Russia...yes, ANOTHER statement. I 've lost track of how many this is, maybe 6 or 7? It is still beyond me what in the world there could be to say about our documents...that hasn't already been said.

But apparently there is plenty to say - 10 pages worth!

When I heard there was 10 pages, I didn't take it well. I actually ignored it, and pretended like it wasn't happening for a few days.

Now that I've calmed down, have had a chance to think about what is really being asked - it is manageable. Most of the 10 pages are things that need to happen with our coordinator in Russia. There are 15 things we need to take care of...and of course, we have about 5 days to take care of it.

Some of these things are crazy. In our homestudy etc., there is a description of our home. The description states our house has X number of rooms. So the Judge wants a photo of every single room. Pictures of the bathrooms, my messy office. FINE! I'll do it!

The Judge says that she can't read the documents because of the way some of the things were apostilled...apparently the staple covered a word or two. FINE! I will redo that for the billionth time.

The Judge also made a comment that some of the notaries signed the documents saying "signed and sworn before me"...the Judge's comment was 'who is me'. Are you kidding? FINE! I will redo those too.

Our marriage licence from Florida is a certified copy. As I am sure you all know, certified copies have someones signature. The Judge want some kind of verification of the person's authority to certify this license. Now mind you, none of the other things that are certified copies seem to be requiring this, just the one thing that is from Florida. FINE! I will figure it out.

There are some issues with our homestudy agency, and wording in what they have provided. FINE! I will kiss up to the agency who is so sick and tired of dealing with us and this mess. I will drive to Indianapolis, incur another $300 to have documents changed, I will try to obtain certified copies of the agencies license going back to 2005. FINE!

Basically, from here, this is what will happen:

1. We give all of the requirements to the Judge before Sep. 21 deadline.
2. If the judge rejects papers saying we did not meet her requirements, then we appeal immediately

Ya - I guess I am still irritated about this document thing...but I'll do it.

meet Spencer Gregory

Meet baby Spencer Gregory. He is the son of one of my long time BFFs. This is the closest I will ever be to being a newborns mommy. Let me say that holding this precious miracle, and knowing what it took to bring him into this world...took my breath away.

If the hospital room hadn't been filled with people I didn't know, I am sure I would have been a blubbering mess.

Little Spencer is about a week old today. Crazy how time flies. Next he will be saying Mommy and Daddy, then he will be standing, then walking...the next thing I know my friend will be calling me to tell me that Spencer is getting married.

He is a solid reminder. Tangible proof of God's unending Love. His Love is a "no matter what" kind of deal...and I think that is pretty cool. Not until you hold a baby do you understand that kind of love...I didn't get that until Anya walked into the room for the first time - that is when I looked into her precious eyes and thought to myself "no matter what".

I guess I will let my friend be a Mommy to sweet Spencer...stealing him under the cover of darkness is probably wrong :( - let me leave you with a photo of Spencer with his real Mommy:

the outcome of Perspective and an update

I thought I would update you on a few of the things mentioned in the Perspective post. So many of you have been praying...I want you to know that your prayers are working!

• My friend who found herself as the caregiver for her father. Well - a miracle has happened. Nursing homes that generally have a wait list of 10-12 months suddenly had an immediate opening. Her father had to qualify in several areas in order for her to be able to afford care like this - and he qualified in every category. PRAYERS ANSWERED!
• My friend with the teenage daughter with cancer. Yesterday, I was very worried about her. Her blood counts were not good...not good at all. I prayed over this all last night and today. For some reason, I was praying for her number to be 675 (which is funny, because I don't even understand anything about blood counts etc.). Well, today, her counts increased SEVERAL hundred, and were 675! Now, if they can get her fever down, and keep it down for 48 hours, she can go home! PRAYERS ANSWERED!
• My friend with the bum knee is back to her normal self...running and kind of jumping :) PRAYERS ANSWERED!
• My fashioney-friend who was having health issues has found the root of her problems. PRAYERS ANSWERED!

There are so many other prayers that have been answered recently. A friend who is adopting in Russia has a court date on September 10th. I am SO happy for her, and can't wait for the end of her journey.

We got some news about the adoption this week. Things are moving - not fast, but they are moving. The Judge has done enough wrong that is documented now that we have a strong case to be able to appeal and complain to the Russian Supreme Court. I don't know if we will have to do that - but am glad we have whatever we need to be able to do that.

We got a note today telling us that indeed, Anya has been moved to the new orphanage...the new place is in Shelechov (the same town). It was strongly suggested that we come for a visit to meet the new director.

The thing with Russian adoption is that there are basically 2 people who determine your fate. The director of the orphanage, and the prosecutor. Funny, huh? The director can make your life miserable, shop your child out to Russian families who are looking to foster a child (i.e. get government money)...or, the director can love you, and see that you and your child are a perfect family. Luckily - the later has been our experience. I don't know this new director, and it is freaking me out. If God knows that I need to go...then I am confident that He will make a way for me to go.

So that's all I know for now. I am trying to not be consumed by what is happening in Russia that I can not control or influence.

on perspective

The other day, I posted a note on perspective. So many people are dealing with really big things, stuff (that if I allow myself) to think about...I am all red nosed, and boo-ey.

After posting that, I can't tell you HOW MANY of you emailed me privately to tell me that you are praying for all of these issues. Many of you sent me notes with help, advice - someoe to talk to who has "been there".

Sometimes I think all of my friends know each other...but that is so far from the truth (so forgive me if we're ever all out somewhere, and I don't introduce you).

You all have such big hearts, such capacity to love, to pray - to feel the pain in others. I have been blessed beyond words to have you all in my life...to call you friends.

Thank you. Thank you for your kind words, and for praying for one another. If for no other reason - this blog works...because you are all now praying for each other...praying for nameless, faceless friends.

Big HUGE Hugs to all of you!

more news

After the last note that our documents were accepted by the court, I wanted to know what the next step is. This is a question that I seem to ask all the time, and rarely get an answer to. This morning - here is what I got:

Kathy, hi,
I called the judge's assistant yesterday asking for a response to the documents I sent last week. The assistant said that I should get a response this week. This is excellent news. We seem to be making progress.

I am realistic, and fully understand "Russian Time", so I am not holding my breath to hear anything before next week.

I am trying to not be too optimistic, trying to not read too much into anything...just praying, praying my heart out!

Perspective

Things happen. Sometimes things come into our lives and shake us to our very core. There is a song that says "we're just a phone call away from our knees"...how true.



The past few weeks, I've been slapped in the face with some reality. Yes - things are bad, frustrating with the adoption. Yes, my heart hurts every day to be with my little girl...but things could be worse.

• One of my friends passed a milestone. 7 years without her son. He died at age 5 from brain cancer. His funeral was one of the most beautiful and hardest things I've ever experienced. Perhaps harder, because we all (many friends and family) really REALLY believed that this child was going to be a miracle.


• Another friend has found herself as the caregiver for her father. He has dementia. He had been in prison for the past 8 years, therefore - was estranged from his family. Then one day, out of the blue - she gets a call from a hospital "are you XXX" "yes" "will you accept guardianship for you father". Her life changed in the span on one sentence.


• One of my oldest and dearest friends and I recently reconnected (gotta love Facebook!). His is a single Dad, raising a teenage girl. That in and of itself is a big thing...but there is more. His daughter is a medical miracle, she has stumped doctors all over the globe. No one can tell her the story of HER. There are no answers. To top it off - she is fighting her second round of cancer...which will likely take her out of the entire first semester of her Junior year of high school. To look in this child's eyes, is to see hope. I see a determined will...one that doesn't give up easily, and one that knows how to work her Dad :)! I love to see the relationship between a Dad and his little girl...I also see the heartbreak in the Dad's eyes for his precious gift from God. I want to squeeze this child, and tell her that her life matters. That God's plans for her are huge. I want to take her to get a manicure and a pedicure. But today, she is facing more chemo and the possibility of a transfusion. I've been on my knees for this family.


• I have so many friends who find themselves in a quiet home...for the first time in many years, all of their kids are in school. On the surface, this seems like every Mommy's dream come true - but the reality is that silence is deafening. I continue to see photos, blog posts and Facebook updates from Moms who are lost - who are needing to redefine themselves, who need to step out of one chapter of life into another...a new chapter with a little more time in the day. Redefining ourselves as women, and mothers can be hard.


• I have a friend whose daughter leaves for college this week. Her husband was diagnosed with cancer this summer, and it is possible that her other adult daughter has Augsburg's Disease. I am exhausted just thinking about the magnitude of the emotional toll just ONE of these things can take on a family. She needs a break.


• Yet another friend has Rheumatoid Arthritis. She also has 3 very active little girls. This week, her knee has decided to stop working...which means she can't walk - literally. Had nothing to do with the arthritis, but is just another painful thing to deal with. Imagine the frustration, the feeling of helplessness...I would be in a really bad mood, and someone would need to be feeding me cakes and candy!


• A client's father has fallen gravely ill in the past few weeks. This has caused the family to make major decisions, quickly. Watching your parents health go down hill is painful. I remember seeing my Grandpa (who was like my Dad) go from the strongest man I knew into a frail old man...it seemed to happen overnight. Changing roles in your family, with your parents is inevitable. It's not easy.


• One of my fashioney-friends is struggling for answers about her health. Stabbing debilitating pains - doctors saying that it is all in her head...and we know it's not, in fact it is in her abdomen! She has been ill for weeks, and no one knows what is going on. To know this industry (fashion), August is a very busy month...added stress is not helping her medical condition. I so with I lived closer to her. I so wish I could give her a break. I wish I knew a doctor that would find out what is wrong and fix it!

• A friend from high school has stage 4 cancer. I had no idea. Went to dinner with her and several other high school friends the other night, and I didn't even recognize her. I feel horrible for not talking to her, not catching up, not knowing. I thought it was strange that no one at the table was introducing her to me...they knew I knew her, but I didn't. She has 2 daughters (I think), I can't even begin to imagine what she is going through - the preparations her heart must be making...I need to pray that she will win this battle.

• This friend is one of those people I have great memories with. We've done so many things together from the time we were 10 years old...I can't even begin to tell you all the trouble we dodged together. We recently found out that she was pregnant. That in and of itself was a miracle. Then she learned she was having twins. I had tried to think about what that would be like for me...excitement turned to panic? Yesterday, she went to the doctor, and was going to find out the sex of the twins. Instead, she learned that one of the babies was gone. She is praising God for the health and gift of the other baby...but can you imagine? I just want to hug her and tell her that her precious other twin is in heaven. I want to tell her that it is OK to grieve. But, I am not her, I can't relate - I can't take any of her pain away. I can't answer any of the questions I am sure she has. I wish I could.

• I ran into someone I've known for several years. I was going on and on about my Mom's recent hand surgery...come to find out her mother has passed away. She had been her mother's caregiver for 8 years, her mother was nearly 90. She lived a full life. Death can be more about the ones left behind, can't it? My friend is in a state of grief - feeling like an orphan. I should have been more compassionate - I wish I would have known about her mother's passing.

• There is a young girl in India, she is 15. She tried to commit suicide because of a lifetime of beatings, abuse and intolerable conditions. She is brilliant. If she was in the United States, her existence would be so different. She would probably be preparing to attend Harvard or Yale. She is not in school in India. Her job is to watch goats. She needs to know that God has a plan for her life - and that plan is huge.

So yes, things could be worse. But my heart is heavy with the issues of my friends. I want to make it better, I want to do something to brighten their day - to allow them to forget the junk for just one minute. I want them to know that God is in control! He has a plan, and BELIEVE ME HIS plan is the perfect plan.

When you get frustrated with your life, with the state of things in your world. Remember these very real stories. Things could be worse.

without words

I posted this in Facebook - but am still reeling from what happened.

This morning I woke up, checked my email and noticed that I had a friend request from Facebook...from Jody Hall. Well, I know 2 "Jody Hall"s, so I went to Facebook thinking it was the one I know that lives locally. No...it was the one who owns the adoption agency who (lack of better word here) screwed us.

Yes, I still have a LOT of anger toward her. She has taken thousands and THOUSANDS of dollars from us. She did NO work for us (well, she mailed some documents to Russia). In 2006 when we went to Irkutsk to search out another means to bring Anya home, we needed some help and some paperwork taken care of in Moscow. She said that she would help - and didn't. I pressed her for how to get the paperwork taken care of, and her comment was "good luck with that". I called her after we got home from that trip, left a message that I had an idea about how to get Anya home, but would need her help...she NEVER called me back. NEVER!

I also asked her about being the middle man for us and some other families - I asked if she could contact another agency that was able to work in Russia to help us build a relationship with a new agency, and not start from square 1. She said "oh, I can't do that". WHAT?!

I know I need to calm down. I am so peeved right now, I can't see straight.

Maybe she has had a stroke of conscious - maybe she has seen the error of her ways, and wants to apologize and offer some kind of restitution. But, I doubt it.

big step forward

Well, not sure what to make of this.

Last week, we got a note from our coordinator in Irkutsk that said we need to take things to the next level. Basically, this means filing a complaint against the judge, and taking our case to the Supreme Court. At one time, the thought of having to do this would almost cripple me with fear...now, it seemed to empower me.

The problem was in the Judge accepting documents. She wasn't doing it...for us, or anyone else. In the past, all of our documents were being mailed (I posted about this a while ago). Now, the Judge was saying she wasn't going to accept things that are mailed -that we had to make an appointment specifically to deliver documents -thing is, she was taking any appointments. This is all clearly against Russian law - this gave us a firm solid grievance against her.

My plan was to call our Russian coordinator tonight, and talk through the game plan. Then I got an email that simply said:
I just wanted to tell you that I had made one more attempt to submit your documents to the court. The file is in the court now.

Maybe the Judge was notified if she didn't accept the documents, that we were taking things above her head - of course, she doesn't want to look foolish or incompetent to her superiors...maybe this is why she accepted our stuff. Whatever the reason - I don't care. We're not in this to make friends and keep the peace, we're in this to get Anya home.

We will call sometime this week to get more details. But for now - this is great news, and a BIG step forward. I believe that our prayers are bring heard, and God's hand continues to move in this situation.

I'll keep you updated with any more info!

oh ya...and

Did I mention that the school we wanted to send Anya to is closing!? STUPID ECONOMY! I am sure it will re-open once the economy comes back and all that economic stimulus money that Obama promised to Elkhart County comes in (wink).

I was introduced to another like-school in South Bend (but do I want to drove 40 minutes one way to school every day?).

smiles with unexpected blessings

I was working today, for those of you who don't know what I do for a living go HERE.

So, I was working. When I head out for the day, I am always looking at a 1/2 hour (or more) drive. One of the many joys of living in the boonies. As I drive I always listen to WFRN or PULSE FM (Christian stations). Many times as I am singing at the top of my lungs, I find myself deep in thought and prayer...and generally it is over Anya.

Such was the story today.

I don't know if I want to admit it, but I was praying for a sign. Something to let me know that HE is hearing me. I know how crazy that sounds, and how unfaithful that is...but that is where I was. To be honest, I prayed something like this "OK God, this is out of control. I need a little somethin' somethin" (just keeping it real here)

I went to my client's home, chose her wardrobe for the next 7 days (remember me saying if you don't know what I do...go HERE?). I got a call from my local Russian friend who also works in the fashion world. Kind of funny that she called me, I haven't seen or talked to her in MONTHS - I've been thinking about her a lot the past few weeks. Every time I hear her voice (or a thick Russian accent) I can't help but to get a little misty eyed.

Then I made some some courtesy calls with local boutiques and shops. Soon after I walked in one of my regular haunts, a woman came in that I recognized but couldn't place. I realized that she is the one who had the Silpada fundraiser for the adoption a few months back. She said that she saw me come into the store, and wanted to give me something. She handed me a check for $100 toward the adoption. I am not kidding.

I have been consigning things for a few months now. I have taken things from my closet and the closets of my clients. All of the money raised from the clothes will go toward the adoption. I was talking to the owner of the consignment store I do business with, and all the sudden she hands me a check for $375!

Do you ever feel like God sends you a Hallmark card just to tell you He is thinking about you, and to reassure you He is in control? Well, that is how I feel today.

the next step

I wasn't sure what to make of the next step in this adoption process. One minute we're told that the Judge told us to resubmit in July - and the next minute we're told that we have an option: submit in July, or wait until September. (ya, waiting WASN'T an option!)

One thing that I've learned (either through experience or maturity) is to not get upset over the things I can't control. So when our coordinator said he was going to resubmit our documents this month, and when I pressed for a specific date and didn't get one...I let it go. I've also learned that when I press for answers, sometimes I don't get the REAL answer :)

As typical - once a week, I sent the obligatory status update request email to our coordinator. Generally I don't get any reply - which is in keeping with all things Russian (if there is no news, there is no reply). This week, I got a reply. It said simply that a reply from the court can take up to 4 weeks., then a few hours later, we got another reply that we are currently waiting for a reply and expect to get a statement from the Judge any day.

Call me cautiously optimistic - but 'any day' has a different definition in Russia than it does here. So I would think we should know more by the end of the month.

puffy eyes and broken hearts

I have been going through all of the pictures we've taken of Anya over the years, and was feeling nostalgic. Because I am quite possibly one of the most creative people you will ever meet, I took some time to pull together some of these shots into a video montage.

Well, sorta....NOT!

Truth is, I was reading my friend, Kate's, blog tonight. She has a great video compilation of photos from her first meeting with her little girl. Tore my heart apart. Not sure if the ripping of my heart was from the song or knowing how hard it is to say goodbye after meeting your baby for the first time.

Feeling all weepy, I thought I would make myself sink into an even deeper pit - so I started looking through photos of Anya. Seeing how much she has grown through the years is truly amazing...it hurts my heart, it makes me gasp for air and blind from the tears.

So, I got myself together - ate some potato chips and decided to hunt down the song Kate used in her video. It was a good one. I found it...and so started round 2 of the water works.

Then as to be a TOTAL thief of ideas, I went to the website Kate used to create her video and found myself uploading, editing, creating. Here I am, almost 3 hours later all puffy eyed.

I'll be honest, sometimes I get tired of fighting, I find myself refocusing away from Anya. I've put off doing paperwork because I didn't have the strength. I dread sending ANOTHER email to ask for an update on things. I struggle composing a note to send to Anya, not sure what to say.

Tonight, this is what I needed. I needed to just sit at my computer and cry. So thanks, Kate for letting me (without my even asking) to steal your idea, hook - line - and sinker.

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

back on my knees

I think there is a plan. I don't know - but I think it's a plan.

We were given the option to resubmit our documents this month, or hold everything until September. Holding everything until September seemed crazy to us (I can't even say it - or type it - without making a crazy face)...so, our documents are being resubmitted to the court in Russia in the next few days.

The way things work - documents aren't delivered in person. For some reason, that never seems to work - so documents are mailed. Apparently when they are mailed, there is a signature - and that signature is proof of acceptance. Sounded like our stuff would be mailed soon...but 'soon' in Russia means a few weeks.

I'm back on my knees again over this. In some ways, it doesn't seem like anything has changed since February. In other ways, it seems like a ton of progress has been made in the past 5 months.

So for now...we pray.

milestones and dates on the calendar

For 4 years, 11 months, 2 weeks and 4 days I have marked dates in my planner that meant something. Many times, these marked dates weren't in ink, or marker or even pencil. Most of the time the dates where in my head...but important nonetheless.

The dates aren't the ones you might imagine. Mother's Day doesn't phase me. Holidays like Easter, Christmas, Anya's Birthday don't really bother me either. I've never purchased a gift for Anya for Christmas, and left it unwrapped under the tree (which would have been stupid, considering she would have been 2 when we started this practice, and now is 7...what in the world would I have done with all those gifts?).

The dates that bother me are my birthday, the Children's Christmas presentation at church, the baptism celebration at church and Scoop.

And now I know you are asking "what in the heck is Scoop". Scoop is the start of each new fashion season. In a nutshell, I travel to some destination with 2,000 other fashion people for what we call Fashion Week. We learn about new trends, see runway fashion shows, have random training seminars, go to big dinners. bla bla bla. Well, what happens at Scoop (aside from the self imposed stress of what to wear), is that you go into a meeting with a bunch of people you don't know. You start talking to the people around you and always ask "where are you from" "How long have you been working in this line of work" and of course "do you have kids". That always launches into my canned adoption speech.

Many of these ladies I've met I see twice a year, and have been seeing them for YEARS. Now when I see them, they want to know if I brought Anya with me.

I remember 5 years ago going to the baptism celebration. Marty and I sat at the edge of the lake, watching the dedication of babies. We saw kids who had made a decision to give their lives to Christ be baptised. Knowing what it will take to teach Anya about the Love of Christ, and considering that one day - she may be walking into the water is pretty overwhelming.

The Christmas children's program church always bother me because as the children sing on stage, I can almost find myself searching for Anya among all the little faces. I know she isn't there...but for some strange reason I still look.

And my birthday...wow, sounds kind of selfish doesn't it?

I think the birthday thing bothers me for a few reasons. Some of my favorite memories as a child was planning my Mom's birthday. It was a big deal to me. I always wanted to get the perfect gift (which was usually some ugly nightgown or horrible handbag). Wrapping it was always a big deal too...it had to be perfect. On my Mom's 50th, I organized a surprise party for her, to this day she claims that she is finding little confetti pieces in the shape of "50's"...and let's just say that was more than a few years ago (haha!). I think we all want to recreate things for our kids that are the good memories of our childhood.

I think that annual planning exercise taught me how important it is to make a big deal for other people...to do something for someone else, just because.

That feeling of giving joy to someone else led to me hosting my own birthday parties. Every year marks another year that I am a woman without children. At my age, most women have a family, they have children...very few don't. So rather than to pity another year gone by, I've had my friends over to my house for a midsummer cookout. The cookout was a clever way to have a birthday celebration without anyone feeling like they had to bring a gift.

This year - tomorrow actually - I turn 40. One of my blog friends (Kate) and I have had conversations about how it is important to us to have our girls before we turn 40. We don't know why, but it is important. This birthday, I won't have my baby girl. I don't know where she is (camp I assume) and it sucks.

I'm not posting this as some kind of plea for you all to leave poor Kathy comments - please don't do that.

I know many of you are my every day friends, and are sick of hearing me talk about turning 40. Well - now you know why I've been consumed by that number. I don't care much about being older (I have a great relationship with a very good dermatologist...if it bothers me enough, I can fix it), I care what being older represents.

Twiddling thumbs

Seems like I would have something adoption related to post today - but I don't.


Been working on our yard. It's funny - the things you wish for when you are growing up. Then as you pray for them, God graciously grants you the prayers of your heart...then as an adult you wonder WHY did you pray for those things?


Case in point - big house. I grew up in a big house, therefore I mistakenly thought everyone should have a big house. I had this idea in my head that I wanted a house that looked like 'X' and was decorated like 'Y'. Well, God is good! Now I have too many square feet of floor to keep clean, and a serious dust problem. Not complaining...just stating the facts.


I also prayed for flowerbeds. I have always loved planting things. In my former life, I was married to someone who didn't like flowers, so he didn't let me plant many. Current perfect husband lets me do whatever I want, and we live on 3 acres. 5-6 years ago I started panting things, harvesting hosta, swapping ground cover for day lilies with friends. Well, now I have an overgrown mess! Can't figure out what I should dig up (and I can't bring myself to pitch anything that is living - will need to find a new home for anything I remove), what should be cut back - kinda looks like a jungle around here. Every day I go outside and think to myself that I am going to have some kind of vision as to what needs to be done - and frankly, every day all I see is a bunch of stuff I don't know what to do with.


I believe to the core of my being that my life is a perfect example of being careful for what you pray for. Not in a bad way...just in a realistic way.




In the heat of everything I prayed so desperately for, I couldn't see how it all would end. In the heat, it seemed - well, hot. I just wanted it all to stop, to be over and done with. Heat tends to make you uncomfortable, stretch you, make you see things in a way you wouldn't normally.


But - in the heat is where God is working. I know that. I believe that. I've experienced that. I have stories how it works out on the other side.


Marty and I could have been married 10 years ago. That wasn't God's plan. Through a lot of pain, junk, stuff and garbage - we came out of it...wonderfully happily married. I wish we didn't have to go through the junk - but I am glad we did. It has made us a strong, unbreakable couple. It made us US. So, we've been married for 5 1/2 years.


We could have adopted a child 5 years ago. But that wasn't God's plan. Knowing that God's plan is always perfect...I'm willing to wait. I will wait, and pray, and be thankful for this time, because God is using this heated time to do something only He could do. And I think that is pretty cool.

been processing

It's been an odd couple of days. Have been waiting to hear from our coordinator in Russia for what seemed like weeks. Truth be told, it was only about a week. Come to find out he was buried in translating our documents so that he could present them to the court before the 6-22 deadline. I think this is the first time EVER that anything has been done before a deadline!

So - our documents were presented on Friday. These were the updates that the Judge in Russia requested at the beginning of the month. On Saturday I get an email from our coordinator that said:

I got the documents in advance, thank you - all was good at this point. I was able to submit the papers to the court on Friday. Later in the day I spoke to the judge's assistant and she said that the judge would not accept any papers in June. She was returning almost all files, as the court is overwhelmed with lots of submitted cases.

The court has appointed two more judges to hear the adoptions, so my plan is to resubmit your file with existing documents to the court in July. I hope that the new judge will take it without major requests.

I felt like I had been punched in the gut. This doesn't say that our documents are being returned...but it didn't say that they weren't.

I have to remember there is some big reason this is happening. I am sure there is something God is protecting us from or something that is part of His plan we can't see

But I can't help but to wonder why.

Anya's 7th birthday was Sunday. When I got home from Russia in January - the outside date that we would be with Anya again was her birthday. Well, that date came and went - and in some ways, I don't feel that we're any farther ahead (for all the submissions and resubmissions).