How you parent a child who had no parents during formative years is a big deal. I've read more books, visited more websites, and gotten more advice than I care to admit on the subject. Funny thing is, when we're in the heat of parenting everything we've read and knew intellectually seems to become a cloud.
This website I have found to be helpful in some general ways: http://www.attachmentparenting.org/
Attachment parenting means different things to different people, and more importantly, I think it means different things with different kids. But, what is it? I had a hard time defining it in a way that made any sense, so I did what any wise blogger would do - I Googled it. I found some info on Wikipedia. It said this:
Attachment parenting, a phrase coined by pediatrician William Sears,[1] is a parenting philosophy based on the principles of the attachment theory in developmental psychology. According to attachment theory, the child forms a strong emotional bond with caregivers during childhood with lifelong consequences. Sensitive and emotionally available parenting helps the child to form a secure attachment style which fosters a child's socio-emotional development and well being. Less sensitive and emotionally available parenting or neglect of the child's needs may result in insecure forms of attachment style, which is a risk factor for many mental health problems. In extreme and rare conditions the child may not form an attachment at all and may suffer from reactive attachment disorder as defined in DSM-IV and ICD-10. Principles of attachment parenting aim to increase development of child's secure attachment and decrease insecure attachment.We think that it is important to Anya to bond closely with us. Because of her history of being abandoned before she was a year old, she has learned ways to cope; ways to comfort herself. These things that would normally come from a parent.
There are some things about attachment parenting I thought to be very interesting. Things like:
- Skin on Skin contact. Interestingly enough, Anya craves this. She is forever wanting a back/tummy/leg/arm/face/neck tickle...of course all skin on skin. She also likes to lay on Marty's belly - skin on skin.
- Meeting her needs. We do think it is important that we are the only ones meeting all of her needs, at least for a period of time (what that period is, I don't know yet). We should be the only ones to feed her, bathe her, dress her, kiss her boo-boos, comfort her when she doesn't feel well, the only ones to discipline her or correct her and so on. Have also read a lot about not allowing Anya to be without one of us during early days (as defined as....I don't know).
- Not Allowing Alone Crying. I was on the phone with a friend about a week ago, and she said something to me that has stuck out in my mind, day after day. She said "when our kiddos are having a melt down, THAT is when they need Mommy and Daddy the most." SO TRUE! Although our instinct is to let Anya cry it out (especially after a long period of time), we can't do that. We have to be right there with her, reassuring her that even tho she wasn't behaving nicely, we're not going to leave her. We love her, and will stay with her no matter what.